Erestor really did not know why he bothered sometimes. He was an advisor and
occasionally a teacher – not a bloody scientist! Yet, he was sitting here,
attempting to explain some of the finer points of seduction to the young Lady
Arwen, who was sitting there, blinking prettily and looking all the world like a
still life painting of peaches and ice cream and not understanding a single word
he said! He sighed and rubbed his temples – something had to give, and SOON!
Unfortunately, the way it was going now, his brain would explode before Arwen
actually understood anything he was saying.
“Look… Miss Arwen… *You* are the one who asked me to teach you about these
things. *You* are the one who asked to become skilled in the manner of all
things romantic and seductive so you could practise upon all the attractive
young men!”
“But it’s just so hard to imagine, Erestor!” She whined and pouted at him.
‘Not if you bothered to actually think about it!’ Erestor thought to
himself.
“Miss Arwen… It really is not as hard as you think! I feel I have been most
clear in how I have attempted to explain this to you, but I continue to fail. I
can think of no simpler way to put these matters! Perhaps you are not yet at a
stage to understand the concepts you ask me to tell you about. You are still
very young.” He ventured, attempting to sound diplomatic.
“Am so old enough!!!” Arwen jumped up, immediately displacing her bowl of
peaches and ice-cream straight onto the brand new carpet of Erestor’s office.
Erestor sighed, not sure what was more annoying – his soiled carpet or the
high-pitched vocal spear that Arwen had just delivered to his ears. He opened
his mouth and closed it several times in a few seconds, trying to compile his
thoughts. Thankfully however, the always impeccably timed Lindir walked in at
that moment.
Lindir tutted and produced a bucket and damp cloth from nowhere and began to
mop up the oozing vanilla ice cream and peach slices. Once he was finished, he
stood up and looked at Arwen.
“Would the young miss like another bowl?”
“No! It’ll just make me think it’s dirty given that bowl fell on the
floor!”
Arwen announced. “I want… Chocolate covered cherries!!!” She grinned and
bounced on her seat. “A reeeeeally big bowl of chocolate covered cherries!”
She threw her arms about, gesturing grandiosely at the size of the bowl she was
imagining, narrowly missing knocking Erestor’s strong black coffee flying onto
the aforementioned new carpet. Erestor looked up at Lindir and then pleadingly
at his coffee cup. Lindir smiled and nodded, moving the cup closer to Erestor,
and further away from Arwen’s flailing arms.
“Right… So… Are you ready to continue with your lessons? Or would you
rather
wait for another time?” Erestor bravely continued.
“NownownownownownownowNOW!!!” Arwen bounced some more and grinned, eagerly
awaiting the less messy chocolate covered cherries.
Erestor sighed. “Right then… Umm… Any idea what might make it clearer to
you?”
“Pictures! I like pictures!!!” She grinned and bounced again.
“Well I don’t actually HAVE any pictures on me to show you. Nor do I really
know where to get any at this short notice…” Erestor was slightly mortified
at
Arwen’s request for a visual display and thought momentarily about digging up
the “Where Babies Come From” book that Celebrian had given the twins, and
erasing their handiwork which had resulted in the female specimens becoming
male!
“So show me with me!” She giggled, blushed and bounced into his lap.
Erestor blanched and was quite certain he would have fallen over had he been
standing and not sitting. “Ah… Miss… Lady Arwen… This is MOST
inappropriate!”
“But you’re my teacher and I want you to teach me this!” She threw her
arms
around his neck dramatically and tossed her head back, her long hair almost
touching the floor. She grinned and bounced in his lap. “So is this how I do
it?” She asked, continuing to bounce.
“Ah… That’s a start… But let’s be a little bit gentler with the
bouncing!
Your enthusiasm is admirable, but the present bouncing is creating a little more
pain than pleasure.” Erestor winced as she continued to bounce.
“Erestor! Are you still in there?” Glorfindel called out from down the
hallway. “Lindir asked me to bring…” the door opened and raucous laughter
spilled into the room.
Erestor groaned. Here he was sitting in a chair in the middle of his office,
with the only daughter of the Lord of the Realm bouncing on his lap! He was
never going to hear the end of this!!!
“Erestor! I am shocked!!! Here I was thinking that you preferred the male
gender of the species, and I find you with Lady Arwen on your lap!!!”
Glorfindel dropped onto the floor, all but rolling about with laughter, having
thankfully somehow managed to put the bowl of chocolate-covered cherries safely
down before he had hit the floor.
“Oh, do be quiet, you infuriating blonde!!! She bounced herself into my lap!
She has asked me to teach her romance and seduction!” Erestor took the
opportunity to stand up and stretch, wincing at the painful tingling in his lap,
when Arwen bounced off him to snatch up her new snack and bounce back over to
her seat.
“Erestor, Erestor, Erestor…” Glorfindel slung an overly muscled arm over
the
petite advisor’s shoulders. “DO calm down! There is no need to have a
conniption over such a silly matter!”
“Then why don’t you teach her?! It will do wonders for your complexion to
get out of those garish orange garments!!!”
“Oh, hush! There is nothing wrong with orange, it happens to be my favourite
colour! You’ve spent too much time watching Queer Elf for the Straight Man!”
Glorfindel slapped him on the back and strode over to sit next to Arwen. “Miss
Arwen!!! How are those chocolate covered cherries? Good?”
Arwen nodded enthusiastically, bouncing with her mouth full.
“Now… Erestor over there tells me that you wish to learn the ways of
seduction and romance” He smiled as she nodded, stuffing her mouth with more
of
the treats. “Yet it seems he is not too enthusiastic to teach you! Not that it
really matters; you don’t want to learn from him! He isn’t any good
anyway!”
He winked and laughed as Erestor’s cheeks burned and his nostrils flared.
“But
I… I, on the other hand, am exceptionally skilled in all matters of the
bedroom!” He nodded as Arwen looked at him, questioningly. “I would be happy
to teach you every thing that Master Erestor over there is so very deficient
in!”
“Really?! Would you, Glorfindel?! Would you really teach me???” she
grinned and bounced into his lap.
“Of course!” The first wince of pain entered Glorfindel’s eyes and Erestor
smirked as he saw his expression over Arwen’s shoulder.
Arwen squealed with delighted and bounced even more enthusiastically in her
place on Glorfindel’s lap as Erestor leaned against the wall and crossed his
arms.
“However… It might be slightly more prudent if we move to somewhere more
comfortable…” With that, he picked her up and stood her on the floor,
standing
up, visibly wincing again. “Perhaps the bedroom…” He took her hand and
began
to walk. “Come along Erestor! Perhaps you too can learn something from a
master!” He patted the advisor’s rear and dragged him along as well.
“Right-o!” He scooped Arwen up and dropped her on the bed, where she
squealed
happily and continued to bounce some more. With much bravado, he stripped the
hideous orange robes and tossed them to one side. “Like what you see?” he
grinned, posing for a moment.
“Glorfindel… She asked to be taught romance and seduction! Not the be
thrown on the bed and ravaged by the first brute who comes along!” Erestor
shook his head and threw the robes at him. “Put these on. You look sillier
undressed than dressed! Now… Miss Arwen! Romance and seduction go hand in
hand. Generally it is the male that woos the female, but there is no reason it
cannot be the other way around. It is best to begin with what you know, and go
from there. Find out what the other person likes and begin by surprising them
with gifts that take those things into consideration. Once you have coerced
them into your bed – or wherever the planned acts of carnality will take
place,”
Erestor shot Glorfindel a foul look to keep him quiet, “then perhaps music –
gentle music – massage, maybe even some of your favourite chocolate covered
cherries! Perhaps feed them to your partner – of have them feed them to
you.”
He added hurriedly, seeing a pout forming. “Then… Once they are
ready – and willing – to move on, then it is time to remove the clothing.
Except, if one is seeking romance, then it is best NOT to do what the esteemed
Lord Glorfindel here just demonstrated and tear one’s clothing off. It is best
to remove it slowly, to tease the partner in order to aid arousal. If you do as
Glorfindel just did, then the only thing you are likely to arouse is hysterical
laughter from your partner.” Erestor shot another icy, silencing look at
Glorfindel.
“SHOW ME!!!” Arwen begged from the bed, bouncing away.
“Alright, Glorfindel, you’re so eager. Off you go! Just do it PROPERLY!”
Erestor shoved him in the direction of the bed.
Glorfindel stumbled onto the bed and looked at Arwen. “Right… Properly.
Umm… Erestor… This isn’t really my style…”
“JUST DO IT!” There was no way in hell that Erestor was going to let his
egomaniacal sidekick weasel out of what he had started.
“Erm, how about you do the romantic bit and I do the next bit?” Glorfindel
jumped off the bed and threw Erestor into his place.
Erestor sighed and got off the bed, dragging Glorfindel back. “OH no you
don’t!” They wrestled for many minutes, rolling from the bed to the floor
and
all around the room, much to the delight of the elven princess, who giggled and
bounced and clapped enthusiastically. Suddenly, he found Glorfindel on top of
him, kissing him passionately. He went to pull back, but found only the floor.
Stupid as the blonde elf was, he wasn’t a half bad kisser and much to his
annoyance, Erestor not only found he was enjoying it, but that he was kissing
him back! And even more annoyingly, he found he wasn’t stopping Glorfindel
from
removing his clothing! And when Glorfindel began to make rude noises with his
mouth on Erestor’s body, Erestor not only didn’t stop him – he enjoyed it
and
responded. And then screamed his name VERY loudly and made a great deal of mess
in the process. Hurriedly, he pulled his robes back around himself. “Erm…
That’s one way of...erm… pleasuring your partner.” He
said, blushing furiously.
Arwen clapped and giggled, enjoying the “lesson” immensely. “Now me! Now
me!”
“Well go on, Glorfindel!” Erestor shoved him in the direction of the bed.
“You’re still ready for action! Go act!”
Glorfindel glared at him, but approached the bed anyway. Whereupon, Arwen
grabbed him, threw him onto the bed and straddled him, beginning to imitate what
she had just seen Glorfindel doing to Erestor.
“YOOOOOOOOW!!!” Glorfindel jumped up, his hands grabbing at his groin.
“What part of that did you take to mean bite me?!” he screamed. “You
don’t BITE
your partner, Arwen!!! Not unless they ask you to!!! And especially not
THERE!!!” Glorfindel yelled, still holding onto himself.
Arwen merely laughed and tossed her hair and bounced upon the bed, somehow
oblivious to the pain she had caused. “But I thought you’d like it! Erestor
always said that you liked biting.”
“WHAT?! Why you…” Glorfindel began to chase Erestor around the room,
threatening all sorts of violence upon his person.
“I never said that! I said he had a biting wit, you foolish she-elf! A
biting wit! Not that you should bite it!!! Glorfindel – STOP!!! ARRRRRHH!”
Erestor screamed as Glorfindel tossed him onto the bed and went back to nursing
himself, this time in a corner as far from Arwen as possible.
“Erm… Right-o… Umm… Arwen… Now, just take it easy!” Erestor scooted
back
on the bed as far and fast as he could as the predatory gleam in the young
lady’s eyes. “Now, let’s just talk about this logically…” Erestor was
rapidly
beginning to think that maybe the young lady needed no lessons in anything, just
a willing – or unwilling – partner to practise on! Far too quickly, Erestor
ran
out of bed and found himself glued to the wall, with Arwen gaining on him. Once
she was within reach, she grabbed him and dragged him back down the bed,
crawling over him.
“Now me!” She grinned, a predatory gleam in her eyes. “Do to me what he
did
to you.”
“Well that is a mite hard, given you are missing something that he is not!”
Erestor looked to Glorfindel for help, but the vain blonde was still far too
busy checking his own injury and bemoaning the bite marks.
“Use your imagination, Erestor! It’s not that hard if you think about it!”
she mocked.
Erestor tried to protest, but he found it rather difficult to breathe, let
alone talk or protest with a princess sitting on his face!!! He also found it
rather difficult to move, much as he tried to wriggle and squirm is way out of
the situation. Except, he had failed to remember that by doing all that moving
in an effort to free his face, he was in fact satisfying Arwen’s request in a
most ridiculous way! Soon he heard some most excited noises coming from above
him and felt the grip of Arwen’s thighs on his head slackening slightly.
Finally he got his much sought after air when she bucked up for a moment.
Erestor drew in a deep breath and with much vigour and luck, finally freed
himself. As soon as he was on his feet, he scooted as far away as possible.
“Glorfindel! RUUUUUUUN!!!” He screamed, not caring that he was in a state of
half dress. He ran from the room, speedily followed by Glorfindel.
“LINDIR!!! NO MORE CHOCOLATE CHERRIES!!!” Erestor screamed, running past
the rather startled elf, Glorfindel hot on his heels, still naked and nursing
his injury.
“Oh Liiiiin-diiiiiir!!!” Arwen’s voice called sweetly from the room.
“Would
you mind bringing me another bowl of those chocolate-cherries, please???”