Alright, that is IT!

Which one of you just grabbed my ass?

Your ass?  *SNORT* Please...

If I were to grab an ass it would be...

Well, never you mind!  I don't grab asses, so it wasn't me!

My ass keeps being grabbed, too!

Orophin, it does not count if you grab your own ass.

...

Well... my ass is STILL getting grabbed...

..and due to this very serious matter, we must ask..

Have you been grabbing ass during your time here in Lothlorien?

*SNORT-NEIGH-WHINNY-NEIGH*

(Translation: You have GOT to be kidding.  What the HELL are you elves putting in your lembas?)

*whispering* This might be the one, Haldir...

We are going to be keeping an eye on you...

*WHINNY-WHINNY-SNORT*

(Translation: Just for that, I am so not going to tell you that Lord Glorfindel is the one who has been---)

Celeborn, I am here on a most urgent matter.

My apologies, Elrond, but if you had read the fine print you would have learned there were no exchanges or refunds.

What?

You are stuck with Celebrian.  Deal with it.

Celebrian? She sailed years ago... I am talking about the ass grabbing epidemic that is plaguing my realm.

Oh!  This I certainly must see.  To the Bat-mobile, Robin!

Er...

Welcome to the Council of Elrond.

I have called this council to discuss a very grave matter.

Lord Celeborn and I have compared travel records, and we have come to the conclusion that there is one similarity between the times the, ah, 'Ass Grabbing' incidents have occurred here and occurred in Lothlorien.  The only time it happens in Lothlorien is when Lord Glorfindel is visiting, which is when it is not occurring here.  Lord Glorfindel, do you know what this means?

This is serious!  It means someone must be following my every step, and when they are not on my trail, they are causing an immense amount of chaos by grabbing asses!

You do not actually think I am that stupid, do you?

*mumbling* It was worth a try...

Wait a moment - there already was a Council of Elrond.

I think we should call this the Council of Celeborn!

*SNICKERS*

Glorfindel, this is a serious matter!

I absolutely agree!

And if everyone would just stop backing into my open hand, then we would be done with this confusion!

Why must you test my patience so?

'Tis true!  I have this... involuntary hand twitch.

Old Gondolin war wound.

From the Balrog.

Makes my hand clench up at the worst possible times.

Now that is completely ridiculous.  You were healed when you were reborn.

I beg to differ.  I am fairly certain that the damage done when his parents dropped him on his head as a child was not reversed.

Erestor, that was mean.

No, not really.  That was just honest.

Being mean would be saying something such as, your father-in-law is an idiot, or, your hair looks like a small mammal burrowed into it and died.

Wait, those are both true statements, too...

That is QUITE enough!

He brings up a good point, Elrond.

Your hairstyle is SO second age.

*SIGH*

*WHINNY-WHINNY-SNORT*

(Translation: Now you know how I feel!)

So... do I get to keep grabbing asses, or what?

~END?~

So, Glorfindel, how are things going for you this war?

Pretty sucky, really. Except I haven't died in this one. Yet. But still, pretty sucky. You?

Great! I've grabbed eight asses this morning!

Well, that's... disturbing.

Why are you grabbing asses?

What else is there to do?

No ellyth, no wine, no fabulous councils named after my herald. I had to discover some sort of hobby. What have you been doing?

Well, killing orcs mostly, and trying to keep the world from falling into the hands of evil.

However... ass grabbing. Sounds a little complicated.

Trust me, Glorfindel, it's easy!

Why... even you could do it. All you have to do is put on these ruby slippers, click your heals together and say, there's no place like home three times.

Hmm... okay.

There's no place like home... there's no place like home... there's no place like home.

... now what?

Hmm? Oh, I just wanted to see how you'd look in those.

Now we get to the ass grabbing. All you need to do is open your palm, find an ass, and grab it.

Like this?

*YOINK*

Umm... no, that wasn't so good. Give it another go.

Okay.

*GROPE*

Ugh... no. No, not good. Maybe you shouldn't take up ass grabbing...

Wait, give me another chance! I'm so close, I can feel it!

*GRAB*

How was that?

Perfect! You are ready.

Score!

Hey, how come you have all these emotions and pictures, and I only have this one?

Do you see this ring, Glorfindel?

Wow, your ring gives you the power to control the pictures?

No, I just like to show it off. Now, to complete your training, you must...

grab Sauron's ass!

**Later**

So, my plan is, as soon as Glorfindel distracts Sauron, we will rush forward and conquer him!

You sent Glorfindel? Why not me? I wanted to go. I'm your herald!

There's a good chance he's going to get himself killed, Elrond. If I sent you, there's a good chance you'd have died.

And then, who would I have given my ring to when I died?

Oh, alright. ...wait, what do you mean, when you die?

Galadriel told me before I left. Stupid mirror. Alright, quiet everyone, he's about to do it...

Do what? What's he doing?

Did... did he just grab Sauron's ass?

Success! Forward, to victory!