Our story begins in the elven realm of Imladris. Before us, the last homely house. An elf is hurriedly making his way to the house, stopping only to inspect a poster nailed to the wooden door. He tears one of the names from the bottom, leaving his own, before entering the last homely house. Rushing through passages and down halls, an elderly hobbit pokes his head around a stairwell.

“Elladan! It’s almost time for the show!” Bilbo Baggins glances around. “Where’s Elrohir?”

“He’s not himself this evening.” Elladan pushes past various other elves in the hall, finally managing to get to a small room used for freshening up. “Don’t worry, I have everything under control!” With that, Elladan closes the door and hastily changes his outfit before heading to the Hall of Fire, but not before he stashes his knives and washes his hands, trying best he can to remove the blood.

“And now, for your entertainment this evening, we here at the Last Homely House present to you the Peredhil Brothers!” announces an elven minstrel in the band. The crowd cheers, but silence befalls them as only one of the brothers walks onstage and begins the act.

In the back of the room stands a young, blond elf, in awe of the production before him. He wistfully watches everything happening onstage.


[ELLADAN]
Come on babe
Why don't we take the ship?
To Valinor

I’m gonna shove off shore
And take my last trip
To Valinor

Launch the boat
I know a whoopee dock
Where the elves are old
But the eldar flock

Forget Mandos Hall
For when the sea doth call
To Val-
-i-
-nor

Plait your hair
And wear your buckle boots
To Valinor

I hear it’s the place
Where we have our roots
In Valinor

Hold on, hon
We're gonna hobbit hug
I bought some miruvor
Down at Imladris Drug
In case you shake apart
And want a brand new start
In Val - i -

[ELLADAN AND IMLADRIS ELVES]
-nor

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Skidoo!

[ELLADAN]
In Valinor

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Hotcha!

Whoopee!

[ELLADAN]
In Valinor

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Ha! Ha! Ha!

Forget Mandos Hall
For when the sea doth call

[ALL]
To Valinor


The elf watching in the back is suddenly interrupted by a tap on the shoulder. A familiar face, yet one out of place here - a dwarf. He speaks to the elf in a low voice, but the fact all of the elves in the room have elvish hearing means it doesn’t much matter that he does.


[GIMLI (spoken)]
Listen, your man ain't home, is he?

[ELLADAN (spoken)]
No, his man is not at home.


The elf shakes his head, shyly smiles, and is led away by the dwarf, likely to some cozy balcony or empty garden. We soon see, however, that it is to the quarters of the adopted son of the Lord of Imladris that they go. And, we might guess, they have been here before, as they are able to quickly navigate to the bed without the aid of candlelight, and soon are making sweet elvishy dwarvishy man-love.


[ELLADAN]
There ain’t much time
Before we go my friend

[ALL]
To Valinor

[ELLADAN]
The time of the elves
Is coming to an end

[ALL]
To Valinor

[ELLADAN]
Come on, babe
We're gonna cross the sea
I bet you Smaug the Dragon
Never flew so free
'Cause in the stratosphere
How could he lend an ear
To Val-
-i-
-nor?

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Oh, you're gonna see it’s the undying land

[ELLADAN]
In Valinor

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Oh, you’ll see it really is quite grand

[ELLADAN]
In Valinor

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
It’s been great on Arda
But, I’ll go, by Varda
If the sea calls unto me
To Val
-i-
-nor

[ELLADAN]
Val-i-nor
Come on, babe
Why don't we take the ship?
To Valinor

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Oh, you're gonna see it’s the undying land
In Valinor

[ELLADAN]
I’m gonna shove off shore
And take my last trip
In Valinor

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Oh, you’ll see it really is quite grand
In Valinor

[ELLADAN]
Launch the boat
I know a whoopee dock
Where the elves are old
But the eldar flock
Forget Mandos Hall
For when the sea doth call
To Valinor

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
It’s been great on Arda
But, I’ll go, by Varda
If the sea calls unto me
To Valinor


Our happy couple no longer seems too happy. The dwarf has dressed again, and is readying to leave. It also seems he has ended the relationship with the elf. The elf is, well, he’s fairly pissed.


[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
So that's it, huh Gim?

[GIMLI (Spoken)]
Yeah, I'm afraid so, Leggie.

[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
Oh, Gimli...

[IMLADRIS ELVES (Spoken)]
Oh, Gimli...

[GIMLI (Spoken)]
Yeah?

[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
Nobody walks out on me.


Gimli seems to know what’s going to happen, but before Gimli is able to grab his axe, Legolas has succeeded in grabbing a spare arrow from his dresser and quickly shoots it through Gimli’s chest with deadly accuracy.


[GIMLI (Spoken)]
Sweetheart-

[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
Oh, don't "sweetheart" me,
you son-of-a-bitch!


He doesn’t stop with one arrow, however, and fires, in perfect and rapid succession, three or four more, until Gimli has succeeded in making quite a bloody mess of the carpet.


[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Whoopee!
Hotcha!
Valinor!

[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
Oh, I gotta pee!

[ELLADAN]
No, I'm no one's elf!
But, Oh, I love myself!
And Val-I-nor!

[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Valinor!


Not unnoticed by Elladan during the end of the number, an elf feared by all of Middle Earth has entered the Hall of Fire. Detective Thranduil, accompanied by his high guards, marches up to the stage, and upon completion of the number, arrests Elladan for the murders of his brother Elrohir, and sister, Arwen Undomiel.

In the private rooms of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Detective Thranduil has arrived to take the statement from the King of Gondor. Legolas sits on the edge of the bed, a frightened look in his eyes, as Aragorn is questioned by the authorities. In his mind, the young Prince of Mirkwood sings a ballad of love and devotion to the King of Gondor.


[LEGGIE]
Sometimes I’m wrong
Sometimes I’m right
But he reminds me he’s king
Nearly every night
He loves me so
That clingy kingy of mine
Sometimes I’m up
Sometimes I’m down
But with the way things are
We can both share a crown
He loves me so
That springy kingy of mine

He ain't no eldar
He’s not pretty, by far
Eru knows, he ain't got the smarts
Oh, but look at that sword
I tell you, my Lord
Is something that clearly cannot
Be ignored

And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if Arda
Slandered this elf?
Why, he'd stride right there
An’ Kill ‘em himself

He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That clingy, springy, stringy
Kingy of mine

[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
A man's got a right to protect his home
and his loved ones, right?

[THRANDUIL (Spoken)]
Of course, he has.

[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
Well, I came in from the forest, Detective, and I
see him coming through the window. With my
elf Legolas there, in reverie, …like an elfling…

[LEGGIE]
He loves me so
That clingy kingy of mine

[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
...an elfling!

I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated
him or somethin'...you know what I mean...
violated?

[THRANDUIL (Spoken)]
I know what you mean...

[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been.

It's a good thing I came back from the forest on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!

[LEGGIE]
He loves me so
That stringy kingy of mine

[THRANDUIL (Spoken)]
Name of deceased... Gimli son of Gloin.

[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
Gimli. How could he be a burglar?
My elf knows him! He sold us our mithril!

[LEGGIE]
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts

[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
He lied to me. He told me the dwarf was a burglar!

[THRANDUIL (Spoken)]
You mean he was dead when you got home?

[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
He had him covered with an elven cloak and he's givin'
me that orc and warg story about this burglar, and
I ought to say that I did it 'cause I was sure to get off.
Burglar, huh!

[LEGGIE]
Now, he’s told him the plan

I can't stand that man

It just goes to show
Can’t trust a king
I’m just awful surprised
We never lost that ring

With the way he goes on
You’d never know
He was one of the nine

[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
And I believed him!
That cheap little tramp. So, he
was two-timing me, huh?
Well, then, he can just
go to Mandos, for all I care.
Boy, I'm in the forest,
working my butt off fourteen
hours a day and he's up drinkin'
feywine and smokin’ pipeweed.
This time he pushed me too far.
That little uruk.
Boy, what I sap I was!

[LEGGIE]
That strange, mangy, dangerous ranger of mine!

Detective Thranduil looks to Legolas now, who is glaring murderously at Aragorn. “Well, it seems your mother and I were right about you from the start, Legolas.”

“I did it, yes, alright, but it was self defense! Honestly, it was!” Legolas said, doing his best to look helpless.

Thranduil nodded, flipping through the contents Gimli was carrying with him. “I knew I shouldn’t have kept those dwarves around in the dungeon when you were younger. Just provoked you into seeking one out later. Men, those are bad enough, but dwarves…”

“There wasn’t anything going on! He was trying to…to…he was coming in through the window, what was I supposed to think?!” Legolas stammered in desperation.

“Don’t worry, we’ll have you write up a statement, and this whole thing will clear up.” Thranduil took a look an etching the dwarf had been keeping with him. “Lovely family he had, what a shame. Although…dwarvish daughters are a little intimidating with those beards…”

“Family? Daughters?” Legolas became even paler than normal as he snatched the etching from the detective. “That son-of-a-balrog! He told me he was single! He told me he could help me with my career! That bastard!”

“Tell it to the judge.” Thranduil motioned to one of his guards, who grabbed hold of Legolas’ arm, leading him out of the room. “This here’s a Mandos case.”

“A Mandos case? What?” Legolas attempted to pull away, but was unsuccessful as he was shoved into the back of a wagon pulled by two horses, bound for the Northern Fences Penitentiary.

Legolas spends a number of days cooped up in the wagon during the journey to Lothlorien. Once there, he is stripped of his princely clothes and given the drab uniform of the inmates kept in the Northern Fences Penitentiary. Unsure of how to act, what to say, or what to do next, he turns to one of the other inmate elves that has just arrived.

“Excuse me, and I do not mean to be out of line, but I was wondering if you might know who is in charge here?” Legolas whispered to the golden-haired elf next to him.

The elf shrugged. “I don’t know, but when I do find out, I’m going to give them a piece of my mind. I can’t believe they would treat me in such a manner…” The elf goes on to gripe about being the hero of Gondolin, and something about a Balrog, but Legolas is more concerned with the two guards that are now in front of the group. They look to be related, brothers perhaps, both clear their throats and loudly announce to those present.


[Orophin]
And now ladies and gentle-elves –

[Rumil]
the Keeper of the Trees,

[Orophin]
the Guardian of the Golden Wood,

[Rumil]
the Captain of Caras Galadhon,

[Both]
Hîrband Adar Haldir!


The two step aside, and a slightly shorter, yet more muscular elf proudly steps forward, a number of strips of cloth in one hand. Legolas is relieved, as many of the prisoners are, by the somewhat haughty courtesy of the head of the prison guards, by whom he is blindfolded and led to the cells
.

[HALDIR]
Ask any of the elflings in the cell
They'll tell you this place is just like-
Rivendell
I love 'em all and all of them love me
Because we all know
One day we’ll go across the sea...

Got a little motto
Although you can not see
When you're good to Haldir
He’ll say ‘Follow Me’.
I’ll lead you through the forest
Right to the Great Mallorn
If you’re good to Haldir
He’ll let you blow his horn.

They say that elves have an endless life
And that's the way I live
Still, I deserve something, boys
For what I've got to give
Don't you know that my cloak
Let’s me blend in, too
When you're good to Haldir
Haldir's good to you!

If you want my lembas
Or my mellyrn stew
Spice it up for Haldir
He'll get hot for you

When we raise our arrows
To shoot an orc or two
You shoot one for Haldir
He’ll shoot one for you

The folks atop the talan
Are the ones Arda adores
So boost me up my talan, Kid
And I'll boost you up yours

Let's all stroke together
Like Galdor and Cirdan do
When you're strokin' Haldir
Haldir's strokin' you

So what's the one conclusion
I can bring this number to?
When you're good to Haldir
Haldir's good to you!


Haldir assures Legolas things aren’t so bad, and even if Thranduil insists the case is a ‘Mandos’ Case’, the likelihood of it happening is very slim. Legolas is assigned to one of the flets, and the Northern Fences are locked down for the night.