“I’ve had a thought,” announced Orophin in the parlor. The entire family had gathered there after dinner, which had become a ritual for the last few weeks. On the table sat a large bowl of fluffy vanilla pudding with a ladle protruding from it, a number of smaller bowls and spoons settled next to it. Only three of the room’s occupants were eating any of it thus far – Haldir, Orophin, and Galadriel, who was on her third serving.
“Finally,” was the only reply, this coming from Rumil who did not bother even to look up from his book.
“I was just thinking, if one were to die while in Valinor, they’d just get sent right back after going to the halls of waiting.”
Haldir held a spoonful of pudding over his bowl, contemplating this. “In theory, yes.”
“So, I think we should test that theory. I think someone should kill me, so we can try it out.”
“What?!” Galadriel nearly choked on her dessert. “Orophin, that is the worst idea in the whole of the ages.”
“Besides, you don’t just get ‘sent right back’,” added Celeborn. “You have to be reborn.”
Orophin shrugged. “Not a problem. You and Nana seem to be having no problem with having more elflings, and then not only would I be the middle child, I’d also be the baby of the family.”
“In more ways than one…” trailed Rumil from behind his book.
“If you decide to pull a fool stunt like that, I will personally see to it that no one has any more elflings in Valinor ever and you can sit in Mandos for all of eternity,” threatened Galadriel.
“Valarda, darling,” Orophin set his bowl onto the table and strolled over to his wife, dropping down on one knee in front of her and taking hold of one of her hands. “If I get someone to kill me for this little experiment, would you be so kind as to have a torrid love affair with someone so that I might be reborn from you?”
“Of course, Orophin. I’ve been trying to find reason to have a torrid love affair for some time, and now I’d have the perfect excuse.” Valarda looked over Orophin’s head, directly at Haldir, and none too discreetly blew him a kiss that made the eldest of the brothers blush furiously to the tips of his ears.
“Wouldn’t that be an interesting twist to an already twisted family?” mused Rumil. “Your brother would be your father, and your wife would be your mother.” Rumil glanced up to see if anyone would add further comment, but with the exception of Orophin and Valarda, the rest of the family was giving his slightly older brother the oddest of looks. His eldest brother, however, was desperately trying to hide his flushed face, which was now credited to Rumil’s comment, and a wink from Valarda.
“This is madness,” Galadriel finally said. “Orophin, I am forbidding you from... testing your theory or whatever you are calling it. I am going to bed, and I never expect to hear anything remotely related to this conversation ever again. Ever.” Passing her empty bowl to Celeborn, Galadriel pulled herself up from the couch and left the room, shaking her head.
Celeborn, staring all the time at Orophin, set the bowl onto the table. “This has certainly become a most... enlightening evening. I’m leaving now. Good night.”
“You know, Orophin, if you did die and go to Mandos and were to be sent back and Haldir and I did have a torrid love affair, not only would I be your mother and Haldir your father, but then you would end up being your own father, in a way. Step-father, actually.”
“True. That would be very hard to keep track of.” Orophin looked over to Haldir. “You know, you got fairly close a few times, I think we should just kill you. Valarda and I would promise to do everything in our power to bring you back.”
Haldir narrowed his eyes. “If you attempt to kill me, I promise to take you with me. And then it would seem we would be stuck in Mandos together forever, as I doubt Nenniach would allow Rumil to have a torrid love affair with Valarda so that you could come back.”
“And how do you propose to come back?”
“I’m sure Nana and Ada would do everything in their power to bring me back,” said Haldir. “And knowing them, and then some. Remember, they asked for me. You were an unexpected addition.”
“Rumil was even less expected,” mused Orophin. “Let’s kill Rumil.”
“What?!” It was now Elrond’s turn to interrupt the conversation.
“Rumil. If we kill Rumil, well, then I wouldn’t be worried about who Valarda would have her torrid love affair with, because there wouldn’t be one.”
“You wouldn’t have to worry about much,” Nenniach told him, “because you’d be dead as well. And unlike Haldir, I’d make sure it was painful. Very painful.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” insisted Haldir.
“No offense, Haldir, but you are more of a mercy killer. I know how you fight and I’ve watched you hunt. As few strokes as possible, as quickly as you can. If you can’t get a deer down in a single shot, you will sit in a tree for hours waiting for your prey. However, there is no fury like an elleth scorned, and I would have no qualms about sending you to Mandos in the most uncomfortable way possible.” Nenniach daintily picked up her cup of tea and sipped it, pinky out.
“Ai. And they call our family a bunch of kinslayers.” Orophin shook his head. “Not Rumil then.” His eyes drifted over to Elrond, and Celebrian narrowed her eyes menacingly.
“The topic is not longer amusing, Orophin. I shall see you all in the morning, unless someone has the sense to kill Oro by then. Husband?” Celebrian waited for Elrond to stand up and bid everyone, with the exception of Orophin, a good evening.
The parlor was still for the next few moments until the footsteps overhead faded. “Think they suspect anything?” questioned Orophin.
“Well if they didn’t they bloody well do now!” spat Haldir, throwing a pillow at Orophin’s head as an afterthought.
“Come on, then, let’s get started.” Orophin began to stand, but Valarda pulled him back down.
“We have to wait until they are asleep. Even then, we’re going to have to be very quiet,” Valarda warned. “So, Oro, we’ve decided you’re going to keep watch in here.”
“What?!” Orophin crossed his arms. “That isn’t fair! I’m the one who got them to go away so we’d have enough time for this.”
“And you should be lucky we haven’t tied you up yet. You sounded mad, Orophin, I shall never again trust you with such a simple task,” Rumil promised.
Haldir chuckled. “Simple tasks for simple minds.” The pillow was launched back in his direction.
“Look, I got them to go away, I shall explain things later, it will all be fine.” Orophin glanced at the twins. “Who is going to go get our guests from Nana and Ada’s old house?” Three hands were raised in the air, and Rumil pointed in the direction of the door, motioning for them to be silent. The twins and Celebdreth over exaggerated leaving the room in a sneaky fashion, careful not to make a sound as they left the house. Orophin drummed his fingers on his knee. “NOW can we get started?”
“No, not yet.”
“Now?”
“No.”
“Halli?”
“What?”
“Now?”
“Orophin, if you continue to ask, we’ll only have 6,639 of them, because you’ll be trying to dislodge the other one from your-“
“Valarda!” Nenniach tisked. “That was uncalled for.”
“No, I really don’t think it was. In fact, I don’t think elflings today get quite enough discipline, that’s why I have to be so strict with my Orophin,” explained Valarda.
“Mine came well trained,” Nenniach said.
Orophin rolled his eyes. “Don’t you love how they talk about us when we’re right here?”
“You should hear what is said behind your back,” mentioned Haldir.
“Wonder how the eldest one is,” Nenniach continued, as if she hadn’t heard the brothers.
“Not sure. It will be interesting to find out once he finally settles down,” admitted Valarda. “I’m a little concerned, though, it seems sometimes he does a bit too much marking of his territory. I worry that he might not be housebroken.”
“I am housebroken,” announced Haldir as he scowled. “And really, now that it comes to mind, I don’t think I have to justify any of this, nor do I believe it to be your business whatsoever.”
“Definitely untrained,” Valarda added. “He’s just yapping away again.”
“But is he untrainable?” asked Nenniach. “They do say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
Haldir growled. “I am not an old dog.”
“Well, you certainly sound like one when you do that,” Orophin said. Haldir shot him a nasty look, and Orophin shrugged. “That didn’t help your case much either. Don’t worry, though, it’s very unlikely we would take you out and shoot you.”
“Heel, Oro,” commanded Valarda.
“Yes, dear,” replied Orophin. Haldir shot him another nasty look regardless.
“You don’t think Nana is going to suspect, do you?” wondered Rumil.
“Not in the least,” Orophin said. “No mirror, no dice. She’s so wrapped up with the elfling right now, she hasn’t had time to drag out the glorified dishpan and splash it around.” He was given a good number of looks for this comment, but looked at them all right back. “Please, give me a break. You’re all thinking it, I’m just saying it.”
“What about Haldir?” Valarda studied her brother-in-law.
“What about me?”
“Well, I haven’t played a single prank on you here in Valinor, but eventually, you know we’re just going to get bored and start putting barnyard animals in the other elf’s room and hanging objects of a personal nature in trees again,” Valarda said. “But now that you’re having visions, I won’t be able to have the element of surprise.”
“Oh, he doesn't really control the visions though!” said Orophin gleefully. “They just come to him. He doesn't control them anymore than he controls me doing this.” Orophin picked up an unused spoon from the table and bonked it on the side of Haldir’s head. The older elf blinked in surprise. “It just comes to him. Just like that.” Orophin dropped the spoon and helped himself to another bowl of pudding.
Haldir picked up the dropped spoon, twirling it between his fingers. “If forced at the right angle, I think this might be able to cause a mortal wound.” Haldir looked in Valarda’s direction. “Still interested in that torrid love affair? I’ve just had a vision of you becoming a widow surprisingly soon.”
Someone cleared his throat loudly, and everyone turned to see Celeborn suddenly standing in the doorway, Celebrian standing behind him with a wide grin on her face. “We have work to do,” he whispered, “and little time in which to do it.”
