“Have I ever shown you the special archives?”
I place my glass of wine down on the desk and shake my head. Lately I find myself drinking more and more, starting earlier in the day and ending with a sip as I slip out of my leggings and into bed. “Is that some hidden section where you keep all of the really good, erotic books and scrolls?”
“No, the really good ones are in my private collection,” he says without flinching as he stands up and grabs for the pile of keys on his desk. Lifting the ring to which they are all attached he places his hand on the back of his chair to steady himself before taking a candle from the ones which have been flickering on the desk between us. “Well? Are you coming?” He disappears a few moments later behind a tapestry and after a moment of shock I follow him.
“I was not aware of the fact there was a passage here.” I look to him in the dimness of the narrow hidden hallway but he says nothing in return. “No doubt Elrond is aware of this, though.”
“He had long forgotten about this part of the house.” Erestor’s confidence amuses me. “I think there are many things in this house that are hidden to others.”
Only now does he give me a glance. It is brief but I feel slightly accused under his scrutiny, but then he is once more leading us down the passageway. I wonder if he suspects, if he knows. On some level, he must know. I have the greatest urge as we wind a corner to take the candle from his hand and confront him, to pour out my emotion and kiss him breathless. Instead I let out a sigh and continue to follow.
“It is not much further,” I am assured. The next time we turn we come to a door and Erestor shakes out the keys. “Now which is it...” His search is temporary though he makes a few failed attempts before finding the correct key.
I knew the room would need to be small for it to be unobtrusive and inconspicuous but it exceeds even my expectations. Erestor enters first and set the candle in a holder before beckoning me within. I crouch down to pass through the doorway and then find myself unable to stand in the room without touching Erestor in some way. A closet is what it is, from floor to ceiling with books, scrolls no longer on rolls but folded and stacked or pressed between the books. “Why did you bring me here?”
“In case something happens to me, someone needs to know what is here.”
My next intake of air is deep and I squirm to raise my arm and place a hand on his shoulder. “Erestor, nothing will happen, to you or anyone. The quest will succeed. I have faith in Olorin.”
“I share your optimism, but the war will reach us before the end of this age.” Always logical, Erestor pulls a small volume from one of the shelves. The cover looks as if it is about to come off in his hands as he gingerly opens the book and turns the thin, yellowing pages. “The chances of you falling in battle a second time, even in these dark days, is much less than chances are that I might be-“ A squeeze of my hand on his shoulder stops him from saying that which I dread. Changing the subject, he turns best he can in the space he is wedged into and says, “These are some of the greatest treasures in Imladris. With what is here, nearly the entire history of the Eldar can be told. This one is... special to me.”
Taking the book from his hands, I skim through and begin to read when a name familiar to me appears. “Who wrote this?”
“Gildor,” he tells me. “It was before you came back.”
The name of my once and current lover is issued forth only after hesitation. It may only be because he and Erestor are like water and oil, but I like to think it due to Erestor being jealous of him on some level. “He writes kindly of you,” I say before handing the book back.
“That he does. He is one of the few who wrote anything of me. However, it acknowledges that I was in Gondolin and that is not something I want as public knowledge.” The book is placed back on the shelf. “I hate my cowardice,” he mumbles.
“It was one time, and it was a balrog,” I remind him gently.
“A balrog you did not fear.” He bows his head. “If something happens to me, I need to know that the items here will be safe, and will be found. Promise me this.”
“I swear they will be, but I also swear that nothing shall happen to you.” He raises his head and I say, “We will fight side by side, should the shadow come here, and neither the city nor you or I shall fall.” He nods.
Embracing him, perhaps in part due to the wine, I say, “Thank you for trusting me, above all others.” Again he nods, and for a few moments, he mirrors my actions and puts his arms around me. As I step away I add, “Things will be alright. You will see.” Now when he nods he gives me a little smile. Whether he believes me or not is another matter, but at least he does not openly disagree.
As we make our way back after the room is safely locked once more, I wonder if I should tell him the truth. It was not courage that sent me to my doom, but love. When that demon came, my thoughts were not on those who would escape if I succeeded, save one. My only regret of my death was that I spent my final words spewing insults at the fire beast when I might have taken just a few moments to say to him, ‘I love you’.
