B O A R D R O O M – T R U M P B U I L D I N G
“I’d like to welcome you all here to my building and my boardroom and my show. This season, we’re going to be playing things a little different.” The Donald stands up from his seat as the doors open, with a lady, a troll, and an orc in professional attire and lovely hats enter with a goat. “This season, I am handing my show over to Dr. Zhie for one night, for a special weekend series of segments called ‘The Muse’. All of you will have a chance to try to become ‘The Muse’. And now, I turn this meeting over to Dr. Zhie. Doctor?”
Dr. Zhie adjusts her glasses and nods as she sits down in The Donald’s chair, the cave troll to her right and the orc to the left. “First, I would like to welcome you all to ‘The Muse’ and thank you for applying for the position. Second, I would like to introduce my associates. To my left, my co-worker, Stanley, the dental hygienist Orc. Stanley is one of the dental hygienists at the clinic that I own and work at. You may have noted that he has very nice teeth.”
Flashing a smile, Stanley says, “Always brush twice a day.” All of the elves on the other side of the table ooh and aah at the brightness of his smile, and at his extremely good taste in fashionable attire.
“On my right, Martha. Martha is the security cave troll for our clinic, and also a world-famous disco dancer.”
Martha stops making moomoo eyes at the elves long enough to nod and say, “It’s an honor to have been asked to aid the doctor in this quest. May the best elf- or thing,” she says, noting Grima Wormtongue as he wriggles his fingers in a wave and winks at her, “be hired.”
“You all know the rules. Over the course of this weekend, you will have various tasks that your team must complete. The success and failure of your tasks will determine your chances of becoming MY muse. By this time Sunday, I will have fired all but one of you. Before we begin the competition, let’s go around the table, and each of you, please introduce yourself, tell the audience at home where you’re from, and what you were doing when I found you to offer you this unique opportunity.” Dr. Zhie nods to the first elf.
“Lord Celeborn is how I am respectfully regarded by my peers. I hail originally from Doriath, but live now in Lothlorien where I rule the realm with my lovely wife, Galadriel.” The silver-haired elf waves to the camera. “Hi, honey! I’m on television!”
All three of the judges exchange unamused glances. “And, where was it that we met?”
“Oh, yes.” Celeborn nods. “This past Tuesday, I was at the local Val-u-Mart, picking up some ‘lady things’ for the wife, personal items, mostly – the usual, for that time of the-“
“We met in the express checkout lane,” prompts the doctor. A few of the other elves at the table as shaking their heads at the unprofessional manner of this contestant.
“Right, we met in the express line, just as I was setting the extra large jar of-“
“Thank you. Potential muse number two, please introduce yourself,” Dr. Zhie says quickly.
Standing up, the elf bows to the camera as if with great reverence and then sits down again. “I am Erestor, chief advisor to Lord Elrond. My home is in the great realm of Rivendell.” Pushing his long, dark hair over his shoulder, Erestor adds, “I was presented with this unique opportunity while stomping grapes for wine for the Festival of the Valar in the Imladrin gardens. The doctor was kind enough to invite me, seeing my potential and perseverance as a muse.” Giving a bow of his head to the panel of judges, he says, “I thank you for your consideration.”
“Is that the incident you were telling me about?” Rumil whispers to Lord Elrond at the other end of the table.
“What incident?” Elrond whispers back.
“With the Valar and the grapes, and the wine barrels springing sudden leaks and The One being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“Oh, yes! Grape Eru!” Lord Elrond and Rumil chuckle for a moment, not unseen by the panel, who have continued to the next elf.
“-and when I’m not at ballet class or chasing butterflies,” Legolas continues, “I can often be found break dancing for spare change, as was the case on Monday when Dr. Zhie approached me at the corner of 34th and Vine.” Grinning, Legolas pulls some change out of his pocket. “She gave me three whole quarters! Look! Shiny!” he says, showing Orophin, who is beside him, and then Erestor on the other side before turning them in the light to admire them himself.
Smiling suavely, Orophin leans forward diplomatically with his hands folded before him. “Good morning, and may I take this opportunity to say you ladies look simply ravishing today? And Stanley- love the tie, really, it’s your color, all the way.”
“Really? I thought it was a little too green,” Stanley says, looking down at the cloth.
“Green is SO your color.”
“Everyone says black is my color,” Stanley says, a little warily.
Orophin nods. “Green is this year’s black.” He continues to nod and says, “My name is Orophin, guardian of her majesty’s-“ He rolls his eyes when he hears Celeborn clear his throat. “Guardian of THEIR majestys’ Golden Woods.” He signals with his hands and silently mouths some things so as to generally disagree with what he just said. “Living in Lothlorien is tough, but has its perks. Such as, just last week, I had enough time to see the new Star Wars movie, so I hopped on line to find tickets. Luckily, while in the StarWarzLuvrz Afternet Chat, I was asked by the lovely and talented Dr. Zhie if I would be interested in this opportunity. So, here I am.”
Nodding, Dr. Zhie makes a motion to the next participant, who stops leering longingly at Martha and smoothes back his greasy hair. “My name is Grima, Grima Wormtongue. Or Mr. Wormtongue. Or Mr. Sexy. It’s all fine with me, ba-bee.” Dr. Zhie moves back slightly in her chair, and Stanley keeps his narrowed eyes on the muse. “I am a former citizen of Rohan, looking for something to do with my spare time. Only just recently, I was unfortunately on a plane that crashed onto an island, where we were all lost. Lost!” he shouts for emphasis. “Lost we were, on that island, after the plane crash- but somehow, I went into the jungle and ran into Dr. Zhie, who was on a goat-discovery-expedition. And now, I am here.”
“Glorfindel. Of Gondolin, of Rivendell- I live to serve, and serve where needed,” explains the golden-haired elf. “The day that Dr. Zhie and I were gameshow contestants, meeting backstage at the Price is Right, I knew that there was a higher calling for me than saving hobbits and slaying balrogs. Big Money! No Whammies!”
“That’s ‘Press Your Luck’,” corrects Lord Elrond beside him.
“No, that’s my battle cry when I’m on a gameshow. What’s ‘Press Your Luck’?” questions Glorfindel skeptically.
Instead of answering, Elrond says, “I am Lord Elrond, ruler of Rivendell, land of the valley. I have many qualities that would make me an excellent muse, and-“
“Apparently, listening isn’t one of them,” interrupts Dr. Zhie.
“Beg your pardon?” Elrond tries to make his eyebrows as scary as possible.
“Please, just tell the audience where we met.”
“Ah.” Elrond begins to study the table, as if mostly disinterested in what is going on. “Last week, I was at Victoria’s Secret, trying on a new corset and heels when Dr. Zhie accidentally thought that the changing room I was in was free. Turning what may have been an awkward situation into a brighter one, she invited me here.”
Beside him, another silvery-haired elf sits. “I am Rumil, humble warden of the Northern Fences of Lothlorien. While competing yesterday at a Rumba dance competition, Dr. Zhie explained to me that she was going to be having something of a competition herself this weekend, and I was more than happy to try my luck at it.”
At the very end of the table sits one final elf. He clears his throat and states, “My name is Haldir, and I, too, am a march warden in the woods of Lorien. I am happy to be here.”
After a pause, Dr. Zhie prompts, “Please, tell everyone where we met.”
“I don’t think that’s necessary-“ begins Haldir, but Zhie shakes her head.
“Actually, it’s very necessary – see this list here? This is from Kath, and even though I have to only have met my Dream Elf ™ in one of the following ways, since I don’t yet know who that is, I need for you to explain to the audience where we met.” Down at the other end of the table, a few of the other muses are all nodding in the general direction of Lord Celeborn in answer to Zhie’s question.
“Fine.” Haldir huffs and says as quickly and quietly as possible, “I was at the McDonald’s drive thru this morning and when I passed her delicious meal to her, Dr. Zhie mentioned that she still needed an extra muse for this thing, and since it paid more than my shift did, I came. Hey, a guy needs to get a second job where he can find work, right? It’s not easy for a bachelor like myself to keep up with the demands of my fans. Legolas, surely you understand,” he adds, looking down the table.
Continuing to admire his three shiny quarters, Legolas says, “Nope. They bring ME presents. Butterflies… tulle… shiny things… tulle… shiny things… shiny things… oooh, shiny…”
Haldir sighs. “Figures.”
“Now that you have all properly introduced yourselves, using up a total of 1,685 words thus far of the allotted 5,000 it is now time for me to explain the rules. Rule one, I make the rules. Rule two, I change the rules when I want to. Rule three, if you have issue with this, I have no problem taking my size eleven shoe to your-“
“Great Eru!” burst out Elrond. “Is that your shoe size?”
Glaring at Lord Elrond, Dr. Zhie straightens her jacket. “I’ve been more patient than most authors would be, but this is the final straw. Elrond, you’ve been nothing but rude and disrespectful the entire time you’ve been at the table. Elrond- y’fired,” she says, using The Donald’s signature hand gesture. Elrond shrugs with indifference and leaves the table.
“There’s a sale at Frederick’s of Hollywood this weekend that I didn’t want to miss anyhow,” he says as he exits the room.
“Anyone else?” There is silence at the table. “Fine, then. If there are no questions, we shall go to the lobby where you will receive your first challenge.”
