M A I N H A L L
“As I explained during the break,” says Zhie, “ ‘Haldir Lovers’ is one of the original elf yahoo groups I was part of. Right now, they’re having a limerick challenge.”
“Psst, Zhie!” hisses Martha. “This is supposed to have happened years ago for you to have a need to hire muses,” reminds Martha, minding her lovely and fashionable hat.
Zhie nods. “Being that this is my story, I’m taking certain liberties. Trump didn’t have a show back then either, so we just have to improvise here and there.” Addressing the group of muses again, she says, “Now, you will each be broken into teams, and you will have the next hour to discuss and create a limerick worth posting to the Haldir Lovers list.”
C O N F E S S I O N A L C A M E R A
Erestor has his head buried in his hands. “I hate my team. If I hear ‘and then I slayed the balrog’ once more, I’ll send him back to Mandos.”
-Cut to Legolas-
“This mirror,” says the prince, preening, “is really, really tiny.” He squints and nearly presses his nose to the camera lens. “I can barely see my reflection!”
-Cut to a Butt-
A round, glowing ass is mooning the camera. A tattoo that reads ‘Queen of the Desert’ can be seen on the right cheek.
-Cut to Glorfindel-
“I think our team is the best team.” Glorfindel nods. “We have the two smartest elves, and I’ve got the sexiness and that balrog thing going for me- I think Erestor really, really enjoys that story. He smiled very widely the entire time, like his face was just frozen in delight…”
-Cut to Orophin-
Stomping around, Orophin throws his arms in the air. “Greek Ewoks? Greek Ewoks?! I swear, Haldir doesn’t listen to a THING I say-“
-Cut to Rumil-
“Look at this.” He points to a pimple on his chin, pouting. “I’ve never had anything like this before. I think I caught it from that Grima fellow. I do hope I don’t get any on my-“
-Cut to Celeborn-
“Is it just me, or does anyone else get a queer thought when they look at my teammates?”
-Cut to Haldir-
“So, then I asked, you mean, Zorba the Wookie? I thought his head was going to explode…”
-Cut to another Butt-
A very pale moon is out, as a large rear-end is smushed against the camera, giving the viewer a close-up of all of the craters and pus-filled-
M A I N S T A G E --- H A L D I R L O V E R S
“Our first group consists of Lord Celeborn, Lord Glorfindel, and Lord Erestor.” The assembled members clap as Stanley hands the microphone to the trio, who stands at the center of the stage.
“There once was a Gondolin elf,” begins Erestor. “Who thought very highly of himself.”
“I could have been king!” declared Glorfindel. “Of me, minstrels sing!”
“But we banned his B. S. from the book shelf,” finished Celeborn.
“B.S.?” questions Stanley as they hand the microphone back and head offstage.
“Balrog Story,” Erestor whispers, and places a finger to his lips, giving Stanley a warning look.
As the applause dies down, Haldir and Orophin run up onto the stage. Orophin holds the microphone while Haldir recites:
There once was an elf from Lothlorien
Everyone there was adorin’ him
He was hung like a horse
So it was not long, of course
Before ellith from afar began pourin’ in.
As some hoots and whoops are heard amid the clapping, the last group begins walking onstage. Suddenly, Legolas elbows Grima, then subdues him by shoving him against a tree and holding him prisoner at arrow-point. Haldir are Orophin look around in confusion as Rumil grabs the microphone and then shouts into it:
There once was a slime ball named Grima
That no one would ever dream of
He looks really slimy
And besides that- blimey!
We’ve proof he owns the tiniest wiener!
There is some booing, but mostly laughter. Up against a tree, Grima is holding back his tears, his lip trembling slightly. “That wasn’t the one we practiced,” he whispers, a single tear sliding down his cheek.
“Hush, slime-boy, or I’ll make a pin cushion out of you,” warns Legolas.
Off to the side, Dr. Zhie is shaking her head. Neither she nor Stanley look amused.
B A C K A T T H E B O A R D R O O M
“First, I’d like to say, I’m disappointed with one teams’ inability to work together. Martha is right in that other room right now, right as we speak,” Dr. Zhie says, having to speak louder and louder to be heard. “She’s in there right now, comforting poor Grima. He’s very sad.”
“Oh, Martha!” comes a cooing voice from the other room.
“Practically inconsolable,” adds the doctor.
“Oh, Grima! You’re so… so… manly…”
“Terrible thing you did to his mental health.” Zhie is practically screaming to be heard from the pounding of a… something… against the wall.
“Show me how they ride in Rohan!”
T W O M I N U T E S T E N S E C O N D S L A T E R. . .
“As I was saying,” Dr. Zhie says, pouring herself a glass of cool, refreshing, uncarbonated coffee, “I am very disappointed, but in light of the situation, it makes me not feel quite so bad for what I am about to do. Rumil, Legolas – you’re both fired.”
Rumil shrugs and gets up to leave. He reaches the door and notes that Legolas is still sitting in his seat. “Hey, Legolas, shake a leg, will you?”
Legolas shrugs and then begins to violently convulse as he attempts to shake his leg while sitting. Rolling his eyes, Rumil walks over and yanks him from his seat.
“Rumil, why did we have to wait for two minutes and ten seconds?” questions Legolas as the doors are closing behind them.
“I’ll tell you in the car,” mumbles Rumil as silence reigns in the boardroom again.
“Congratuations, those of you who have made it. You have a more difficult task ahead of you. We shall reassemble at Halla Quenta in one hour after a potty and cheesecake break. Please, wash your hands in between your designated breaks,” she reminds them.
“Cheesecake?” pipes up a voice from the next room. A moment later, the wall is broken in by Martha, who is headed now out the boardroom door to the lounge.
“I could use a potty break.” Stepping through the troll-sized opening, Grima walks through the boardroom, leaving in his wake a group of wide-eyed gape-mouthed elves.
Dr. Zhie, her head resting now on the top of the board table whimpers to Stanley, “Please make sure he gets some clothes on BEFORE he goes into HQ.”
“I don’t know what sort of proof Rumil and Legolas thought they had,” whispers Orophin to Haldir, “but DAMN.”
“Eh,” shrugs Glorfindel as everyone begins to leave. “I’ve seen bigger. Anyone else ever been under a balrog looking up before?”
H A L L A Q U E N T A L O U N G E
“I’ve always felt very comfortable here at Halla Quenta,” explains Zhie. “I lurked here in the olden days, and more recently have been posting more and more. And I think it’s a lovely name. It’s probably my favorite group to say, it simply rolls off the tongue.” She pauses, but when none of the muses comes up with a witty retort, simply shrugs and continues. “They have a current challenge going on – ‘To Catch An Elf’. Each team must present a concept to me regarding this topic and what I should write. You have two hours. Good luck.”
