C O N F E S S I O N A L C A M E R A
Erestor has his head turned and is staring at the mooning going on behind him. Grima is shaking his nude booty about singing ‘All-Star’ very badly. With big sad eyes, Erestor looks to the camera and says, “I miss the balrog.”
-Cut to Celeborn-
“Have any of you had a wiff of Haldir?” He leans in closer. “He smells of processed meats and French fry grease- Great Eru! Is that my pocket protector?” He bends down out of the camera and comes back up with something small and leather. “Hmm, no... looks like a wallet... “ He looks around over both shoulders, then tucks it in his robes.
-Cut to Orophin-
“... and I was like, so? Ecthelion killed four. Even Gandalf killed one once, and he’s nearsighted!”
H A L L A Q U E N T A R O O F T O P B A R
Dr. Zhie, flanked by Stanley and Martha, steps behind the bar to face the group of six remaining muses. “Teams, I suspect you’ve had the time now to discuss your answers. Erestor and Grima, what have you come up with?”
Grima and Erestor bow their heads and speak to each other for a moment, nodding. “A love story,” says Erestor, nodding. “With smut, a lot of smut, but tasteful smut. Some poetry, setting in Valinor. The first meeting of an old elf and a young elleth, and how they became lovers. It should probably star me,” he adds as seemingly an afterthought.
Nodding, Dr. Zhie motions to Orophin and Glorfindel. “What have the two of you come up with?”
“An in depth look at life in Lorien. Concentrating on Elving as a pastime,” explains Orophin. “A bunch of young ellith go out Elving for the first time. Ellith gone wild. Zanniness ensues.”
The group behind the bar nods, but as Zhie is about to move on to the last pair, Orophin snickers and adds, “It was that or a story about a Balrog Slayer and his inability to get laid because of his inability to stop telling a certain Balrog story, but then, we need to keep the audience awake.”
Glorfindel swallows hard and picks up his drink, half-hiding his embarrassment behind his glass.
With a small sigh, Dr. Zhie moves on to the third group. Folding his hands before him on the counter, Haldir says, “It’s about an elf who falls into modern times and is forced to take a minimum wage job at a fastfood restaurant.”
“And?” prods Zhie after a few moments of silence.
“And...” Haldir bites his lip. “And... zaniness ensues?” He breathes with relief when Dr. Zhie gives a smile and nods, but it is short-lived as Celeborn whack him in the arm.
“I told you we should have gone with Elf Lord leaves his realm and runs away to join the circus!” scolds Celeborn.
“Your proposal sucked,” hisses Haldir. “You made me team leader, I made the decision.”
Strumming his fingers on the table, and making sure Zhie has left, Celeborn spits out, “Bitch.”
“Your nana,” counters Haldir just as quickly.
“His mother? Have you met his wife?” snickers Orophin.
Erestor, Grima, and Glorfindel sneak off just in time before the zaniness ensues...
B O A R D R O O M
Staring long and hard at everyone across the table, Dr. Zhie finally leans back in her chair. “Just because I’m not there to see it happen doesn’t mean I don’t know it didn’t happen. I don’t think I even have to say it. But I will. Name calling can be overlooked, but what happened to the butterflies, elephant, and dancing monkey was unforgivable. Orophin, you’re fired.”
“Sucks to be me. Ta.” He skips out of the room without a second thought, an odd monkey-head hat on his head.
“I’d also like to say that I recently took a look at the confessional tapes.” Everyone in the room tenses up. “Not good. Not good at all.”
Grima simply sighs, gets up, and leaves the room. Martha bounds after him, calling out sweet words and unmentionable phrases pertaining to his anatomy and richly foods one might eat off of certain fleshy parts of the body.
Shaking her head, Dr. Zhie turns her attention to another of the muses. “Celeborn? A wallet? You had to steal a wallet?”
“Galadriel is very strict with my allowance money. If I don’t clean my room-“
Dr. Zhie narrows her eyes. “Celeborn, you’re-“
“I know, I know.” Grumbling, he shoves back his chair and leaves the room. A moment later he pops back in. “Do I get severance pay for this?”
“OUT!” Dr. Zhie motions for Stanley to guard the door – a moot point, considering the large, troll-sized hole in the other side of the room. “Alright. There is one final- Haldir? Where are you going?”
Pulling on a hat that says ‘Did Somebody Say McDonalds?’ on it, Haldir clips on a nametag. “My shift starts in twenty minutes. Gotta get to my window- my boss is such a bitch when I’m late.” He heads past Stanley and out of the room.
“Well.” Zhie looks between the remaining muses. “And then there were two. Our final test will be taking place in Little Balrog tomorrow at noon. May the best muse win.”
Glorfindel and Erestor shake hands before leaving the boardroom.
L I T T L E B A L R O G
“Little Balrog was founded by Maggie and I years ago as a place to chat and keep each other updated on stories. Alas, I began writing too much and she went back to Buffy smut,” says Zhie. “Here’s the concept of the last test. I’m doing the animated videos for the My Precious Awards on Elven Lords. I need you both to come up with the most exotic thing you would be willing to do to help me out. You have ten seconds to write it down. Ready?”
Each of the muses is handed a small slate board and a piece of chalk. Glorfindel carefully thinks his words out, while Erestor scratches and scribbles and erases a bit before time is called.
“Erestor, since you’re alphabetically, in my alphabet at least, first, please show us your answer,” says Zhie.
Erestor turns the slate around to reveal the words [Erotic Pole Dancing]. “I’m very flexible,” he explains. “And dexterous.”
Dr. Zhie nods and turns to Glorfindel.
[Dress in Drag] is written on the board. “I can still look sexy and tough even while wearing fishnets.”
“Hmm...” Zhie looks back and forth between the two of them a few times, then shakes her head. “I just... I can’t decide. We’re going to have to have a tie-breaker.” Dr. Zhie motions to someone off camera. “Bring in the virgins and the pie. And the zebra.”
{We’ll return to ‘The Muse: Lord of the Rings edition’ right after this commercial break}
A car drives up to an order board for McDonalds. Rumil and Legolas are looking through the selections thoughtfully. “Boy, I really want something filling, but on a warden’s salary, it’s tough to find something that won’t break the bank,” Rumil says.
“How about the new McDeals menu?” suggests Legolas, pointing to the column at the right. “We could grab some delicious McLembas, and wash it down with a couple of McMirovur shakes!”
Scene cuts to Haldir at the drive thru window as the car drives off. “It’s McFood, McFast. Did somebody say McDonalds?”
Suddenly, Galadriel appears behind him, in her McManager McUniform. “No, you laze! I said, clean up that mess out in the play area, and drop another batch of fries.” Haldir rolls his eyes as Galadriel walks away and the logo flashes on the screen.
{We now return to ‘The Muse: Lord of the Rings edition’.}
Sitting in the middle of a big bed, with Glorfindel cuddled up to one side and Erestor to the other, Zhie blows thoughtfully on her bubble pipe. “I am still just not really sure.” Taking a bite of chocolate pie as Erestor carefully offers it to her, she shakes her head. “Nope, still not sure.” She holds up her hand as Glorfindel holds up a finger covered in whipped cream to her lips, but then shrugs and licks it off. “No, that didn’t help. Maybe we did that wrong… someone bring more pie!” she calls out.
{We’ll return to ‘The Muse: Lord of the Rings edition’ right after this commercial break}
The images of hot, sexy elves, sitting around on plush couches and beds holding teddy bears like they’re at a sleepover are shown. The phone number 1-800-ELLON-50 is flashing on the bottom.
“We’re hot, and we’re fifty or older,” proclaims a scantily clad, muscular male. “We want you to call.”
A leering elf closes his eyes and shyly says, “I just reached my majority. Call me now.”
“We want you to climb our trees,” drawls one of the elves, who seems to have forgotten to take off his McDonalds hat since the last commercial. “Pick up the phone and give us a call.” As the fade out happens, one of the elves asks quietly, “What’s a phone?”
{Are you done yet, Zhie?}
“Hmm? Oh, yes, we’re on again.” Dr. Zhie licks the cream off of Erestor’s nose and nipples as Glorfindel wipes the remaining pie from his mouth. “Alright. I’ve decided.”
“Yes?” both muses ask expectantly.
Zhie sighs. “I can’t decide. I suppose I’ll just have to keep you both.” Overhead, Glorfindel and Erestor high-five each other. “Of course, you’re going to have to pretend you’re gay.”
“Gay?”
“What?”
“Why?” they ask at the same time.
Zhie clears her throat as she scoops up the rest of the pie from the nearly empty tin on a piece of errant crust. “Well, first off, I’m married. So, really, it’s a matter of keeping up appearances. Secondly, I’m stashing my sister’s muse at my place, and my husband wasn’t all too happy on that to begin with. Last thing he needs is three alpha-male elves walking around.”
“I can keep up the act, I suppose,” shrugs Erestor.
Glorfindel nods. “Shouldn’t be too hard to pretend. We still get to have our wicked way with you, right?”
“Do you get to have your wicked way with me? That’s like asking, is there pie left,” Zhie answered. Glorfindel tips the empty pie tin and pouts. Snapping her fingers, Dr. Zhie calls out, “More pie! Pronto!” Turning to the camera, and keeping the blanket from falling too far down, she says, “That’s all for this season of ‘The Muse: Lord of the Rings edition’. Thanks for watching, and goodn—oo, lemon meringue…” she trails off as a cart of pies is wheeled over. The screen dims to show the logo.
*end*
