On the door of the Great Hall of the Last Homely House, a sign which was not sanctioned, proper, or otherwise permitted was posted.
~ Beware! Loose Womin and Pickpockets! ~
Wrapping his fingers around the wooden panel, Lord Elrond glared at the sign, for it was firmly nailed to the door. Turning back around to address the robed advisors and dignitaries of other realms who stood behind him, Elrond smiled best he could as he stood close to the door to block the sign. “It is not really all that interesting, just a big room to sit and eat in. Glorfindel,” he said, calling to the elf at the back of the group, “are the, ah, the-“
“Would the delegation care to see the gardens while I see to the staff in the kitchen?” asked the captain, stepping forward so that he could take Elrond’s place in blocking the signage. Elrond slipped away, drawing the attention back down the hall, pointing out a tapestry at the end of the corridor and speaking loudly of it.
Just as the final elves were following, Glorfindel reached over and wrapped his fingers around the back of the neck of the one who was last to leave. He was wearing a smirk on his face, but did not flinch as he was jerked back into place. “Lord Glorfindel,” he said, looking over with as much innocence as a cat with cream on his whiskers.
“He is going to catch you,” sang Glorfindel softly in a low, taunting tone.
“Not if you do not tell him,” sang the elf back.
Letting go of the taller elf’s neck, Glorfindel shook his head. “Why not simply glue his summons to his desk like all of the other advisors?”
“Because I am the chief advisor,” answered Erestor with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “and it simply would not do for me to succumb to such simple means of keeping him alert.”
Glorfindel continued to shake his head, and wagged a finger at Erestor. “If he catches you...”
Erestor grinned and winked, and then continued after the rest of the delegation, who had long since disappeared around the corner.
Prying the sign off of the door, Glorfindel nearly shouted down the hall ‘You spelled ‘women’ wrong’, but he realized as he bit his lip that this was most likely the counselor’s intention. Opening the door to the hall, he kept the sign facing himself as he held it to his chest with one arm, trying to decide whether it was funnier that Elrond was being pranked on an hourly basis, or that it was the elf he least suspected who was doing it.
- - -
“Here in Imladris, we take great pride in our training facilities,” explained Elrond, motioning toward the fields. “Our barracks are in fine shape, and we have up to date equipment and-“
Elrond’s mouth snapped shut as he turned the corner, only to see his image staring back at him. Across the field, a number of wardens on a break began to chuckle to themselves as Elrond read the caption painted below the mirror that hung on the door.
~ Missing! Have you seen this Elven Lord? ~
Rubbing his temples with one hand, he leaned the other over the words before turning around with a forced smile upon his face. “Erestor,” he said, and the head of the elf to his left snapped up, attentive upon hearing his name. “Perhaps you could direct the delegation to the archery practice and allow them to see our soldiers in action.” Erestor nodded and walked swiftly to the front of the group, and then motioned them to follow him. As he led them, Glorfindel approached from the house.
Glancing once at the group, then to Elrond, the blond’s eyes sought out Erestor’s. They met, locked, and stayed that way as Erestor passed by, his grin unseen by all but Glorfindel. He then turned, solemn as he walked backwards, mindful of the soldiers practicing as he spoke to the delegation he led.
When Glorfindel reached Elrond, the mirror had been taken from the side of the building and flung over his shoulder, where it smashed upon the ground. “Seven years bad luck,” spoke Glorfindel, but when he was glared at, he added, “for the... mirror, I mean.”
“Glorfindel, are you SURE my sons are not in the realm?”
Sighing, Glorfindel nodded. “They went off to, well, you know, that thing that they do.”
Elrond spat on the paint, then used a corner of his own robe to rub at it. “This is fresh,” he concluded as it smeared a little. “That means who ever did this is in this valley.” Shaking his now orange-tinted robe at Glorfindel, he ground out, “I want to know who it is.”
Glorfindel’s eyes wandered down to the bare leg that Elrond was revealing with his robe lifted, grateful that firstly, no one else in the area could see from the angle they were at and secondly, that he was able to see it, because it had been far too long since Gildor had happened by Imladris, and there were far too few opportunities for him to stare at toned, muscled, bare flesh. Realizing he was staring, Glorfindel looked back up, and nodded. “I would want to know, too.”
“Have you no clue as to whom it might be?”
“Would I not tell you if I knew?”
Elrond dropped the hem of his robe and rubbed his temples again. “I want you to sweep through the entire house and see what else this prankster has come up with. I want no more surprises today.” Glorfindel nodded and left to complete his mission.
On the practice fields, Erestor frowned as he watched Glorfindel head back to the house. Cursing himself for setting everything up ahead of time, he began to devise a new plan of action.
- - -
“Well?” Elrond stood at the doorway to the office that Glorfindel and Erestor shared. His captain pointed to a pile of wooden signs that sat upon his normally bare desk. “Excellent! No clue on who did this?” he asked as he entered the room.
“No clues have been left,” answered Glorfindel, which was actually true. He suspected Erestor must have worn gloves and had even gone far out of his way to mask his writing. He watched as Elrond began to look through the signs, snorting his disapproval now and again. Suddenly, Erestor appeared at the door.
“What a day!” he announced as he entered, one hand behind his back. Glorfindel narrowed his eyes suspiciously as Erestor moved the hand in front of him after he entered and turned his back to the pair. Elrond was more or less oblivious to the counselor’s presence. “Those elves from Mirkwood are always so curious about things.”
“You should know; you used to be one of them,” Glorfindel reminded him, following the odd path Erestor was taking around the edge of the room, using his free hand to flutter over books on the shelves, looking over his shoulder now and again at Elrond.
As soon as he was directly behind Elrond, Erestor turned again, concealing his hand once more. Glorfindel tried to crane his neck around, but Erestor sidestepped his way up to the pair. The hand revealed itself as he reached Elrond, and came to rest on the back of the elf who was bent over the signs, grumbling at them. “Something wrong, m’lord?” asked Erestor, leaning down beside Elrond, but keeping his hand on the elf lord’s back.
“Just these signs,” he replied. “If only I knew who was doing this.”
“Mmm,” nodded Erestor. “Well, I am sure that eventually you will discover who it is,” he said confidently, and he patted Elrond on the back before moving around the desk to sit down at his own.
“That I will.” Elrond straightened his back. “Constant vigilance! Between the three of us, we will find out who is doing this. I must retire a while before the meal this eve- Erestor, the preparations are taken care of?”
“Oh, everything is ready,” he said, trying not to smirk.
“Wonderful. Until this evening,” he said, and turned to leave. Glorfindel nearly groaned, but held it in until after Elrond was in the hall and the door was closed.
“Erestor!” The counselor was laughing, his hands over his mouth and his eyes shut in mirth. “Erestor, that was not nice!”
“Not... meant to be!” Erestor covered his mouth again, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“You- he- Erestor...” The finger waggled again, for their desks were in the center of the room and faced each other, and Erestor batted at it with one hand while he used the other to prop up his chin. “You are going to get in trouble,” came the sing-song once again.
“Not if you do not tell him,” came the answer back.
----
“Moooo-oooo!”
Elrond turned his head and gave an odd look to the couple that he had passed by. The ellon was making the most ridiculous sounds while the elleth he was with had giggled and glanced back, and then giggled. “No respect, these youngsters these days,” mumbled Elrond.
“Lord Elrond.”
“Ah, King Thranduil.” The pair bowed courteously to one another. “I do hope you have plans to attend the feast.”
“I do indeed. I was on my way to find my sons, to be sure they did not forget about this evening.”
“I shall not keep you then. You all have places at my table of course,” added Elrond as they passed by each other.
“Thank you, I-“ Thranduil paused and walked back to catch up with Elrond. “Elrond, what is this?”
“I am sorry?” asked the elf lord as Thranduil reached for something attached to the back of the dark haired elf’s robes.
Thranduil lifted up the paper and showed it to Elrond. “Dare I ask?”
“ ‘Cow goes moo. Cows have horns. I am a cow.’,” Elrond read. There was a crude drawing of a cow, beneath which was written, ‘Moo if you are horney’.
“At least the bull is well endowed,” remarked Thranduil as Elrond grabbed the paper and tore it to bits.
“To think, I have had eight elves moo at me since I left-“ Elrond stopped, and then snapped his fingers. “That is who it is!”
“What?”
“It is them!”
“Who?”
“They have been the ones doing it!”
“Wait, Elrond, slow down.” Thranduil, having been looking down at the paper that littered the floor, bent down to pick up the pieces, and deposited them into Elrond’s hand. “Now, what are you talking about?”
“Glorfindel and Erestor. I left their office not ten minutes ago,” explained Elrond. “I have been trying all the day to learn who over the past week has been posting the signs about. I had one on my office that said ‘Free to a good home!’ And do you know, there was a picture of me upon the sign.”
“Really?” asked Thranduil, trying not to appear too amused.
Elrond began to walk down the hallway, with Thranduil falling in step. “Yesterday, there was one on the stables. Today, everywhere a sign! Well, if they think they are going to get away with this,” he said, “then they are dead wrong. We have work to do.”
“We?” asked Thranduil with amusement.
“Thranduil, you are the only one I can trust in this situation. They may have enlisted other members of my realm as spies.”
Thranduil, on the verge of either walking away very swiftly or laughing uneasily, decided to simply nod. Sometimes, it was just easier that way.
----
“Please?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Please?” Erestor waited and then nearly pounced Glorfindel, gripping the front of his tunic as he made his eyes look big and sad. “Please please please please please please-“
“Alright! Just let go!” Normally, Glorfindel would not have refused the close comfort of having Erestor clinging to him, begging, especially since his imagination was so very active, but instead he filed the bit away in his memory as he smoothed his clothing. “Fine. One. That is it,” he warned as they walked swiftly back to their shared office.
Erestor beamed as Glorfindel unlocked the door and pushed it wide open to let the light from the hall stream in. “Be quick,” warned Glorfindel. “The feast has already started.”
“Glorfindel, where did you put the rest of them?” called Erestor once he had made it to the pile on the desk.
“They are all there,” said Glorfindel.
“Even the one from the Hall of Fire?” asked a worried voice.
“I found that one first,” confirmed Glorfindel. “Why?”
Erestor came to the door with the stack of signs. “It is not here now.”
“That is odd.” Glorfindel sorted through them again. “I am sorry, Erestor. Maybe I left it somewhere accidentally. Just pick another one.”
“None of the others will work.” Erestor took the pile back into the office. “I shall simply have to do without,” he concluded as they left for the Great Hall.
When they entered the hall, they were both quite suspicious about the way the hall was set. Not only was everyone already eating dessert, but the number of ladies in attendance was greatly decreased. Glorfindel and Erestor took their seats, trying to appear as normal as possible. Elrond paused the conversation he was having with Thranduil to regard his advisors. “Ah, there you are.”
“Our apologies,” offered Erestor. “I thought the feast was to begin after sundown.”
“It was,” said Elrond. “I decided to begin it sooner. We are just now on dessert. Most of us are, that is. Some are still waiting for it.”
Erestor slid a look to Glorfindel but said nothing. Glorfindel cleared his throat and asked, “So, what is for dessert this evening?”
“That would depend on whether you are in here, or in the Hall of Fire,” replied Elrond. “In here, we are having fruit, and pastries, and some sort of cake with cherries in it.”
“And... in the Hall of Fire?” Erestor dared to ask.
“Well... let us go and see, shall we?” Elrond wiped his hands, and then stood up. “Come, come, do not dawdle,” he said as Erestor and Glorfindel exchanged looks. “This way, quickly now.”
The pair stood and followed, not noticing that they were being followed by Thranduil until after they had left the Great Hall.
‘You told,’ mouthed Erestor to Glorfindel accusingly.
‘Did not,’ he replied in the same fashion.
“Sometimes,” spoke Elrond as he continued to lead them, “I wonder where my sons get it from. And then, it all comes back to me.”
“If I may,” said Erestor, bowing his head as he walked, “Glorfindel did not have anything to do with this. I will admit to the... colorful use of words... over the last week, but he is innocent.”
“I actually tried a number of times to get him to stop,” spoke up Glorfindel, and Erestor let out a groan at Glorfindel’s admission.
Elrond stopped as they reached the hall. “So you knew who it was even when I asked you. That makes you just as guilty.” Pointing at the sign on the door, Elrond said, “I think it is quite explanatory.”
“Depends on how you want to interpret it,” Erestor finally ventured.
Giving him the one eye-brow salute, Elrond turned around and read, ‘We would love to see you naked- but the dress code requires you wear boots and a shirt.’”
“And a fine dress code it is,” added Glorfindel.
“Strip,” commanded Elrond.
“Why, m’lord-“ began Glorfindel, but he closed his mouth as he was glared upon. “Fine. Although I hardly see much of a punishment in this,” he said as he removed all of his clothing with the exception of his shirt and boots. “He swims bare in the hidden pond, and I am not at all ashamed of my body.”
“How did you know I swim naked in the pond?” asked Erestor as the pile of his clothing, minus shirt and boots, was handed to Thranduil.
“Uh...” Glorfindel was saved having to explain as Elrond cleared his throat for attention.
“Behind this door,” he said, “are a number of citizens who have been very patiently awaiting dessert. I am sure you will have no problem explaining things to them.”
“Things? What things?” asked Glorfindel.
“Whatever things you like,” said Elrond as he opened the door. “In. Both of you. And in the morning, we will forget that any of this ever happened.”
“Easy for you to say,” muttered Glorfindel, “you still have your pants on.”
As soon as the door was shut behind them, Elrond began to laugh. “Oh, to see their faces! Thranduil, this was a brilliant plan.”
“I agree. It would be funny to see their reactions when they learn that the ladies have been instructed not to touch poor Erestor, but to do whatever they wish with Glorfindel.”
“Ah, we are terrible, are we not? Back to the festivities, then,” said Elrond, walking back to the Great Hall.
“I shall join you in a moment,” said Thranduil. He waited until Elrond has disappeared around the corner, and then snuck into the Hall of Fire, hiding in the shadows to watch the show.
-End-
