As the pair of Mirkwood-clad riders jumped from their horses and onto the ground before the trio of ladies, they struck masculine poses of ones who have just successfully jumped from horses to land securely upon the ground.
"Aye, a vast selection of ladies we have found here in Lothlorien, my father," said the younger elf. The elder nodded. "Ah, me, with three such beauties, I have no way to choose between them," he sighed. "I shall have to court them all."
"Or court none of them," came a voice nearby. Everyone turned to see Haldir and his brothers approach, flanked by Glorfindel and Erestor at one side and Dinendal to the other.
"Legolas, has it occurred to you," spoke Orophin, "that you presence here is unwanted?"
"Orophin's charm has gone missing, and his manners, too," answered Legolas, speaking to his father rather than to any of the group. "If this is how it is to be, so be it. Mirkwood versus Lorien - and may the best elf win!" With that, Legolas and Thranduil remounted, and both rode in the direction of the Great Mallorn.
Dinendal, Haldir, Orophin, and Rumil rushed to Mei, surrounding her protectively. "Was he bothering you?" asked Haldir.
"Shall I challenge him to a duel for your love?" cooed Dinendal.
Erestor and Glorfindel were busily tending to Laura in the same manner, none but Zhie taking note of the figure that approached. Lord Celeborn stopped in their midst, a large picnic basket in his hand. "I, uh... I..."
"We'd love to," answered Zhie, threading her arm through Celeborn's.
"I wasn't sure what dessert to bring," he said as the group skipped happily to the borders.
"Brownies or rum balls? So, I brought both!"
"Whose idea was it to have a picnic in the flets along the borders?" Laura sighed as Erestor fed her a peeled grape and Glorfindel held a cup of wine to her lips. "I think it was just what we needed--a nice and relaxing outing."
Haldir spoke up, excited to take credit for the idea when Orophin suddenly elbowed his elder brother and piped in. "Oh it was mine, my lady! With of course a small bit of help from my brother." He nodded towards a glaring Haldir who was rubbing his side where Orophin's elbow had attacked his ribs.
"Well I for one thought it was brilliant!" Zhie smiled brightly, tossing the swirling mass of ringlets that made up her hair and smiling at the wardens. "How long has it been since you have been out at your own borders?" She turned to her left, asking the silver haired lord who now sat before her in his old itchy uniform.
He grinned triumphantly at the crestfallen looks of Orophin and Haldir for she had turned her full attention to him. "Years since I have been busy running the city and I need only approve any changes to the roust--" Celeborn’s mellifluous voice was cut off by shouts coming from the upper level flets.
"Orcs!" A scout screamed in a panicked voice. "Tens of thousands of them, crawling out of the Mines of Moria like an army of ants.
Mei, who had stopped her lip locking with Dinendal at the first cry, jumped to her feet in an instant and grabbed a hold of the rope, pulling herself up hand over hand to the upper most flet. Haldir tried to follow behind her, since he was the Captain of the Guard and needed to also access the situation, but she moved so quickly that she was already counting the numbers when he emerged from below.
"Thirty thousand, give or take a couple hundred, I'd say." Mei squinted as she watched the creatures hobbling their way to the forest, like terrible things that go bump in the night.
"Alas! We are sorely outnumbered!" Rumil cried as he climbed up, followed by Zhie and Laura who were already mentally communicating strategies. They were on the platform looking out, but a few seconds later.
"Don't worry sweetums." Zhie smiled and patted Rumil on the cheek. "We got it, right Laura? Mei?" The two ellith smiled and nodded as they started barking out orders. "Hope you don't mind Halli-dear, but I think we got this one."
Haldir blushed and then grabbed Zhie's hand, lifting it to his lips to kiss it fervently. "Of course Lady! I know we can count on you, right Lord Celeborn? Lord Celeborn? My lord?"
The Lord of the Wood blinked several times before turning to his Captain, so distracted was he by the elleth's shiny curls. "Yes, yes, I heard you the first time! Any help you can give us." And with a nod, he too took instruction from the trio of beauties.
The elves quickly got to their positions and although they were terrified over the impending battle, they had great confidence in their tacticians. So they ran off to gather their needed weapons and head off to their assigned posts. To the untrained eye, they were invisible to all, blending in with their woodland home and every movement they did make, was attributed to the rustling of leaves.
The three ellith and the wardens of their choices--Glorfindel, Erestor, Haldir, Dinendal and Lord Celeborn--stood on the forest floor, waiting for their company to arrive. Laura was busy creating small blue flamed fires that would not spread without her commands, Mei was fletching new arrows at an amazing rate and Zhie was sitting cross legged, with a large pad of parchment in her lap and scribbling furiously, her tambourine lay at her feet next to her triangle.
The thundering sound grew closer, as did the stench of rotting flesh.
"We've got company, are the hors d’oeuvres ready?" Zhie said quietly as she continued to mark up the page of paper.
Laura snickered, "I was thinking more like BBQ for our guests?" And she punctuated her intent by snapping her fingers to create another blue blaze but this time in the palm of her upturned hand. She bounced the sphere of flames like a ball, yet it never touched her soft flesh, nor did it harm her.
"Hey, hey! Not too close!" Zhie grumbled as she leaned away from the conjuring elleth.
"The hair! Watch the hair!"
"Sorry 'bout that." Laura shrugged but she already knew that the flames would only harm their foes. "If you are done, dear Zhie, I think its time."
In the meantime, Mei tossed bundles of hundreds of arrows at their elven guards' feet.
"Here, these should hold us. Ready girls?"
"We need a motto, or a battle cry of some sort. Any ideas?" Laura asked as the trio huddled in a small circle and put their hands in the middle.
After a moment, Zhie answered with a little giggle. "I got it! Ready?" The other two nodded and she sang out loudly, "Who let the dogs out?"
"Woof-woof-woof-woof-woof" they all responded in unison.
Mei giggled, "I love that song. Time to open up a can of 'Whoop-ass'!"
"Take your positions!" Haldir commanded. The elves quickly complied, standing at the ready behind the three ladies who now stood in a line and posing like a still from Charlie's Angels.
The orcs squealed like pigs as they entered the woods, not just a little surprised that they hadn't already been set upon by the elven warriors. Their eyes were wild as they scanned the area, looking for any opposition and they were so distracted that they were nearly on top of the ladies when they realized their way was blocked.
"Ah, look at the lovelies." The front most orc cackled and licked his lips. "Here is some sport waiting for us, boys!"
"Eww, you have GOT to be kidding me!" Laura crinkled her nose in distaste and shuddered. She took a deep breath and lifted her arms up sending some of the blue flamed fires up into the air above the forest where they burst into a large fireworks display.
The orcs looked up simultaneously, oohing and aahing like children. While the statement,
"Much nicer than what the Balrog can create" could be heard as it repeated through the throng of creatures.
Taking advantage of their distraction, Zhie held up her triangle and gave it a tap. "Mi, mi, miiiiiiiiiiii." She tested her voice before an aria akin to something heard in La Boehme emerged from her lips. "Ai El-ber-eth; Gil-tho-ni-el" She stopped and coughed, the orcs turned their attention to her now, with their jaws dropped and tears pooling in their eyes at the beautiful sound. "Aw Crappers, that SO doesn't work for me. I hope someone is following me! With a flamethrower! Or a bunch of pointy sticks!"
Zhie looked to see Laura and Mei smirking. "Thanks. On my own then. Fine. Plan B." She sighed and lifted up the scribbled-on sheaf of paper and continued, her voice echoing in the woods, "DAY OH! DAAA-AA-AY Oh! Daylight come and me wan' go ho-ome."
Laura quirked an eyebrow and snickered at her cue. With a wave of her hands she manipulated her prey. The orcs dropped their weapons and held their arms up to snap their fingers and wiggle their hips.
"Work all night and I drink da rum! Daylight come and me wan' go ho-ome."
The orcs formed the longest samba line the ellith had ever seen as they sauntered back and forth. Their dance moves erratic as their puppeteer struggled to contain her laughter.
"Stack ba-na-na til the morning come! Daylight come and me wan' go ho-ome."
Mei tried not to double over in laughter and it was a difficult task to say the least. She notched four arrows in her bow and waited for Laura to maneuver the creatures in place for the firing squad to do their job. They were lined up in rows of two hundred each and with a whistle from Mei, the elves let loose their arrows, striking the undulating orcs as they shook their groove-things.
This went on for some time, the next line of orcs unwillingly stepping forward to be fired upon and falling like flies, only to be replaced by another line. They were crying in protest yet unable to anything but dance their way to their deaths.
"Hey guys?" Laura called out to her minstrel and warrior sisters, "Arms are getting a bit tired and although Beetlegeuse would be very proud, its too easy. Can we get all Matrix on them now?"
Zhie turned to Laura and Mei, nodded and held up her arms to take the "Praying Mantis" stance, ending her song even to the disappointment of the orcs.
"Yay!" Mei cried out happily and tossed her bow to Dinendal, who was standing some twenty feet behind her. "I’ll need that back in a little bit, Gorgeous!" He couldn't help the silly grin that crossed his face and he redoubled his efforts in the slaying of their foes.
The three ladies moved so they each faced a different direction, Mei in the middle with Laura to her left and Zhie to her right. There were only a few thousand orcs left and the girls were ready for a real fight. Laura snapped her fingers to release the orcs from her control and as soon as she did, the trio jumped up in the air, their arms outstretched with their legs bent. They moved quicker than any other the elves or orcs had ever seen, kicking out and connecting with various jaws, necks and cheeks. The orcs converged on them, although they were no match. Each of the trio would grab an orc or two and swing them around so that another could kick their heads off, while the arrows continued to fly around them into the other creatures not within their reach.
Mei turned and yelled at Dinendal so that he tossed her a bow. When she caught it, she rolled into a cartwheel and as she flipped, she reached down to grab an arrow, nock it and fire it into an orc. Laura was in the air repeatedly kicking an orc in the chin and her arms were waving around, sending shock waves out to level smaller surrounding groups. Meanwhile, Zhie was now using the trees in her battle, jumping and grabbing a trunk to spin around it and kicking out to knock out her foes in a circular formation.
The battle quickly wrapped up and within ten minutes, the remaining orcs were all slain. The elven warriors were quickly gathering the bodies and dragging them back to the mountains they came from. The corpses were then set on fire and the smoke that rose from the carnage, created clouds black as night. The ladies were conferring with their elves over the details of the battle and reveling in their triumph.
Glorfindel was finger combing Laura's hair, amazed only a few hairs were out of place after their vigorous exercise. Mei was busy attending to a scratch on Dinendal's chin and cooing over what an excellent warrior he was. And Celeborn could but stare longingly at Zhie as she tried teaching the Harry Belafonte song to Haldir.
"Dammit!"
The balrog slayer stopped to see what had alarmed his lady love. He was alarmed to see her holding up her hands and frowning.
"Broke a nail?" Zhie queried as she approached and stood next to Laura, tsking at the chipped nail she held up.
Laura nodded, "Yeah–those orcs are lucky they are dead, because I’d kill them all over again."
An arm was thrown over each of their shoulders and Mei popped her head between them. "I don’t know about you, but all the ass kicking has me fair to starving."
"Oh! Cheesecake sounds great right now!" Zhie bounced on her toes in response. "Let’s head home and I’ll whip up one in celebration."
------
Legolas walked over to the table of honor, which was small and round and set at the center of the field among the other tables. "Excuse me, Lady Mei, may I have a word with you?" he asked. "In... private?"
Mei looked at her dinner companions and said, "Anything that can be said to me can be said to my sisters." The other two smiled and nodded.
Swallowing and adjusting himself so that he was upon one knee beside her, he said, "Lady Mei, such beauty and charm I have not seen in many a year, and such prowess upon the battlefield as well. Never before have I felt the urge to approach anyone before, but I feel compelled to do so now. Lady Mei, come with me to Mirkwood. Be my bride, and princess of my realm which one day, and hopefully soon before the end of the age of elves, I shall rule. You need not answer now - come to me by moonlight, or meet me again tomorrow. I would await a thousand years for your answer, if you so declared it."
Mei looked sincerely touched, and patted his cheek. "Aren't you the sweetest little elf? Sorry, but I must decline. I'm already seeing Dinendal-"
"I under-" he began, but Mei added, "-and Haldir-"
Again Legolas opened his mouth, but could manage nothing before Mei added, "-and his brothers. And the twins, Ferevellon and Fereveldir. That just leaves one day a week open, and it takes three to reach Mirkwood."
Legolas blinked. "I understand," he said finally, looking forlorn, but then he turned to Zhie.
"Lady Zhie-"
"No," she said simply and drank from her glass.
With a sigh, Legolas stood up and walked around to Laura, who had her arms crossed over her chest. "Lady Laura-"
"Don't 'Lady Laura' me. What am I, third best that you went to both of them first?" she asked. If she'd have been standing, she would have been tapping her foot as well.
"Forgive me, none of you has beauty to surpass the other, but you share equally in your gifts," he apologized. "But like all others, I fear Glorfindel's wrath," he admitted.
"And well you should, for we are indeed together. Well, and with Erestor, but... really, is it time for dessert yet?" she wondered out loud as her cheeks reddened a bit.
Legolas hastily bid them all good day, and Mei drummed her fingers on the table. "Who cares about dessert? Is it time for us to go home yet?"
"Look," said Zhie to Mei, "I wasn't all that excited when I mysteriously awoke in Galadriel's Garden. However, I've been experimenting through the day, and I have discovered I can play every single musical instrument known to man or elf. Even," and she paused for dramatic effect, "the tambourine."
"No way!" both Mei and Laura exclaimed.
Zhie raised a hand so that they would allow her to continue. "It gets better. Watch this." Standing up from the table in the main field where the tables had been placed for the feast which celebrated their coming to Lothlorien, forever more a holiday in the Golden Woods, Zhie tapped her spoon against her glass. "Attention! Attention! I'd like to say a few words please. First, let me start by saying, thank you so much for your kind welcome. You've all really gone out of your way for us," she said, above the murmurs that it was quite alright, and well-deserved. "And second, with permission from the Lord and Lady," she said, bowing toward their hosts, who smiled and graciously nodded their heads, "I'd like to sing a little song for you."
Her voice, light and silvery, mesmerized even the hardest of hearts as she crooned to the crowd. "She bangs, she bangs! Oh, baby when she moves, she moves! I go crazy 'cause she looks like a flower, but she stings like a bee! Like every girl in history!" When Zhie sat back down, half of the male elves were fanning themselves, while the other half had thudded to the ground.
"Is this crazy or what?"
"I don't know, William Hung, you tell me," whispered Mei as she now stood. Waving her arm in the air, she caught the attention of Lord Celeborn. "M'lord, I have heard rumor of an archery contest tonight following this feast. If there is still space in the competition, I would like to enter," she shouted to him.
Lord Celeborn was about to affirm that she could indeed compete, when Haldir stood up and shook his head. "My Lord Celeborn, never before today have I seen swordsmanship, er, swordswomanship... never have I seen a sword handled so well." At the ladies' table, Zhie took to snickering, and Laura smirked. "Her arrows fly straighter than my own. To test her abilities," spoke Haldir to all who were there, "would be committing a foul deed. Lady Mei, you are a master, er, a mistress of weaponry. Dinendal, fetch the trophies - no doubt we have our winner and no contest is necessary." A great applause arose as Mei accepted the trophies and a kiss from the ga-ga eyed Dinendal.
Clearing her throat and standing up as Mei sat down, Laura looked around the crowd on the lawn, trying to decide exactly what to do - fireworks, bubbles that turned into butterflies, or perhaps even conjuring some sort of rainbow rain clouds. All these she could do, she knew this without trying, but instead she grew solemn and said, "The world is changed. Soon, death will come to this forest - not to the elves, but to the trees. I can feel it, sense it. A great exodus will occur - some will go east and others west. The lady one way… the lord the other… not again to meet for many years…" Laura trailed off, the sky having darkened during her speech, and she appearing to the elves as vibrant, loved, and feared as a Vala.
Upon her throne, Lady Galadriel was silent, but nodded. "This I have foreseen in the mirror," she said quietly. "Though my powers do not allow for such certainty, I can tell from your voice you know this to be true." Then the lady shied away, having seen more than her match in the eyes of the unexpected guest to the forest.
Laura sat down as the music and merriment began again. Mei and Zhie were both giving her a suspicious look. "What?"
"That wasn't magic. That's in the Appendices. And in the movies. And nearly every post third-age Lorien-based fanfic known to us."
"So?" shrugged Laura. "What do you take me for? Some conjuror of cheap tricks?" The ground began to shake, and both Mei and Zhie looked suddenly apologetic. "What the-?"
"Okay, Laura, we're sorry. Me, I'm sorry, I said it, I'm sorry," said Zhie, but Laura shook her head.
"I'm not doing anything," she said as applause broke out. The trio looked up where everyone else was, seeing a large tree towering over the party on the field.
