Our story begins in the elven realm of Imladris. Before us, the last homely house. An elf is hurriedly making his way to the house, stopping only to inspect a poster nailed to the wooden door. He tears one of the names from the bottom, leaving his own, before entering the last homely house. Rushing through passages and down halls, an elderly hobbit pokes his head around a stairwell.
“Elladan! It’s almost time for the show!” Bilbo Baggins glances around. “Where’s Elrohir?”
“He’s not himself this evening.” Elladan pushes past various other elves in the hall, finally managing to get to a small room used for freshening up. “Don’t worry, I have everything under control!” With that, Elladan closes the door and hastily changes his outfit before heading to the Hall of Fire, but not before he stashes his knives and washes his hands, trying best he can to remove the blood.
“And now, for your entertainment this evening, we here at the Last Homely House present to you the Peredhil Brothers!” announces an elven minstrel in the band. The crowd cheers, but silence befalls them as only one of the brothers walks onstage and begins the act.
In the back of the room stands a young, blond elf, in awe of the production before him. He wistfully watches everything happening onstage.
[ELLADAN]
Come on babe
Why don't we take the ship?
To Valinor
I’m gonna shove off shore
And take my last trip
To Valinor
Launch the boat
I know a whoopee dock
Where the elves are old
But the eldar flock
Forget Mandos Hall
For when the sea doth call
To Val-
-i-
-nor
Plait your hair
And wear your buckle boots
To Valinor
I hear it’s the place
Where we have our roots
In Valinor
Hold on, hon
We're gonna hobbit hug
I bought some miruvor
Down at Imladris Drug
In case you shake apart
And want a brand new start
In Val - i -
[ELLADAN AND IMLADRIS ELVES]
-nor
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Skidoo!
[ELLADAN]
In Valinor
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Hotcha!
Whoopee!
[ELLADAN]
In Valinor
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Forget Mandos Hall
For when the sea doth call
[ALL]
To Valinor
The elf watching in the back is suddenly interrupted by a tap on the shoulder. A familiar face, yet one out of place here - a dwarf. He speaks to the elf in a low voice, but the fact all of the elves in the room have elvish hearing means it doesn’t much matter that he does.
[GIMLI (spoken)]
Listen, your man ain't home, is he?
[ELLADAN (spoken)]
No, his man is not at home.
The elf shakes his head, shyly smiles, and is led away by the dwarf, likely to some cozy balcony or empty garden. We soon see, however, that it is to the quarters of the adopted son of the Lord of Imladris that they go. And, we might guess, they have been here before, as they are able to quickly navigate to the bed without the aid of candlelight, and soon are making sweet elvishy dwarvishy man-love.
[ELLADAN]
There ain’t much time
Before we go my friend
[ALL]
To Valinor
[ELLADAN]
The time of the elves
Is coming to an end
[ALL]
To Valinor
[ELLADAN]
Come on, babe
We're gonna cross the sea
I bet you Smaug the Dragon
Never flew so free
'Cause in the stratosphere
How could he lend an ear
To Val-
-i-
-nor?
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Oh, you're gonna see it’s the undying land
[ELLADAN]
In Valinor
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Oh, you’ll see it really is quite grand
[ELLADAN]
In Valinor
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
It’s been great on Arda
But, I’ll go, by Varda
If the sea calls unto me
To Val
-i-
-nor
[ELLADAN]
Val-i-nor
Come on, babe
Why don't we take the ship?
To Valinor
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Oh, you're gonna see it’s the undying land
In Valinor
[ELLADAN]
I’m gonna shove off shore
And take my last trip
In Valinor
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Oh, you’ll see it really is quite grand
In Valinor
[ELLADAN]
Launch the boat
I know a whoopee dock
Where the elves are old
But the eldar flock
Forget Mandos Hall
For when the sea doth call
To Valinor
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
It’s been great on Arda
But, I’ll go, by Varda
If the sea calls unto me
To Valinor
Our happy couple no longer seems too happy. The dwarf has dressed again, and is readying to leave. It also seems he has ended the relationship with the elf. The elf is, well, he’s fairly pissed.
[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
So that's it, huh Gim?
[GIMLI (Spoken)]
Yeah, I'm afraid so, Leggie.
[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
Oh, Gimli...
[IMLADRIS ELVES (Spoken)]
Oh, Gimli...
[GIMLI (Spoken)]
Yeah?
[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
Nobody walks out on me.
Gimli seems to know what’s going to happen, but before Gimli is able to grab his axe, Legolas has succeeded in grabbing a spare arrow from his dresser and quickly shoots it through Gimli’s chest with deadly accuracy.
[GIMLI (Spoken)]
Sweetheart-
[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
Oh, don't "sweetheart" me,
you son-of-a-bitch!
He doesn’t stop with one arrow, however, and fires, in perfect and rapid succession, three or four more, until Gimli has succeeded in making quite a bloody mess of the carpet.
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Whoopee!
Hotcha!
Valinor!
[LEGGIE (Spoken)]
Oh, I gotta pee!
[ELLADAN]
No, I'm no one's elf!
But, Oh, I love myself!
And Val-I-nor!
[IMLADRIS ELVES]
Valinor!
Not unnoticed by Elladan during the end of the number, an elf feared by all of Middle Earth has entered the Hall of Fire. Detective Thranduil, accompanied by his high guards, marches up to the stage, and upon completion of the number, arrests Elladan for the murders of his brother Elrohir, and sister, Arwen Undomiel.