In the private rooms of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Detective Thranduil has arrived to take the statement from the King of Gondor. Legolas sits on the edge of the bed, a frightened look in his eyes, as Aragorn is questioned by the authorities. In his mind, the young Prince of Mirkwood sings a ballad of love and devotion to the King of Gondor.
[LEGGIE]
Sometimes I’m wrong
Sometimes I’m right
But he reminds me he’s king
Nearly every night
He loves me so
That clingy kingy of mine
Sometimes I’m up
Sometimes I’m down
But with the way things are
We can both share a crown
He loves me so
That springy kingy of mine
He ain't no eldar
He’s not pretty, by far
Eru knows, he ain't got the smarts
Oh, but look at that sword
I tell you, my Lord
Is something that clearly cannot
Be ignored
And if you knew him like me
I know you'd agree
What if Arda
Slandered this elf?
Why, he'd stride right there
An’ Kill ‘em himself
He loves me so
And it all suits me fine
That clingy, springy, stringy
Kingy of mine
[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
A man's got a right to protect his home
and his loved ones, right?
[THRANDUIL (Spoken)]
Of course, he has.
[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
Well, I came in from the forest, Detective, and I
see him coming through the window. With my
elf Legolas there, in reverie, …like an elfling…
[LEGGIE]
He loves me so
That clingy kingy of mine
[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
...an elfling!
I mean supposin', just supposin', he had violated
him or somethin'...you know what I mean...
violated?
[THRANDUIL (Spoken)]
I know what you mean...
[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
...or somethin'. Think how terrible that would have been.
It's a good thing I came back from the forest on time, I'm tellin' ya that! I say I'm tellin' ya that!
[LEGGIE]
He loves me so
That stringy kingy of mine
[THRANDUIL (Spoken)]
Name of deceased... Gimli son of Gloin.
[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
Gimli. How could he be a burglar?
My elf knows him! He sold us our mithril!
[LEGGIE]
Lord knows he ain't got the smarts
[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
He lied to me. He told me the dwarf was a burglar!
[THRANDUIL (Spoken)]
You mean he was dead when you got home?
[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
He had him covered with an elven cloak and he's givin'
me that orc and warg story about this burglar, and
I ought to say that I did it 'cause I was sure to get off.
Burglar, huh!
[LEGGIE]
Now, he’s told him the plan
I can't stand that man
It just goes to show
Can’t trust a king
I’m just awful surprised
We never lost that ring
With the way he goes on
You’d never know
He was one of the nine
[ARAGORN (Spoken)]
And I believed him!
That cheap little tramp. So, he
was two-timing me, huh?
Well, then, he can just
go to Mandos, for all I care.
Boy, I'm in the forest,
working my butt off fourteen
hours a day and he's up drinkin'
feywine and smokin’ pipeweed.
This time he pushed me too far.
That little uruk.
Boy, what I sap I was!
[LEGGIE]
That strange, mangy, dangerous ranger of mine!
Detective Thranduil looks to Legolas now, who is glaring murderously at Aragorn. “Well, it seems your mother and I were right about you from the start, Legolas.”
“I did it, yes, alright, but it was self defense! Honestly, it was!” Legolas said, doing his best to look helpless.
Thranduil nodded, flipping through the contents Gimli was carrying with him. “I knew I shouldn’t have kept those dwarves around in the dungeon when you were younger. Just provoked you into seeking one out later. Men, those are bad enough, but dwarves…”
“There wasn’t anything going on! He was trying to…to…he was coming in through the window, what was I supposed to think?!” Legolas stammered in desperation.
“Don’t worry, we’ll have you write up a statement, and this whole thing will clear up.” Thranduil took a look an etching the dwarf had been keeping with him. “Lovely family he had, what a shame. Although…dwarvish daughters are a little intimidating with those beards…”
“Family? Daughters?” Legolas became even paler than normal as he snatched the etching from the detective. “That son-of-a-balrog! He told me he was single! He told me he could help me with my career! That bastard!”
“Tell it to the judge.” Thranduil motioned to one of his guards, who grabbed hold of Legolas’ arm, leading him out of the room. “This here’s a Mandos case.”
“A Mandos case? What?” Legolas attempted to pull away, but was unsuccessful as he was shoved into the back of a wagon pulled by two horses, bound for the Northern Fences Penitentiary.