If there's anything I've ever learned in all the days of my long life
`Tis to be fair and truthful
Loyal and good
And to obey my wife
Perhaps you think it odd for me to relate such anecdotes
But you would be wise not to laugh and instead - take some notes
When your wife sends you out
Before the morning meal
Tells you she needs eggs
(and the potatoes must be peeled)
I do suggest you do not dally
For it is she who always wins
This goes double for your spouse
When she's expecting twins
Do not laugh! I see your smile- I shall tell another tale
Pay better attention, now, or you shall swim instead of sail
Never on your darkest day
When your sweetheart dons her favorite gown
Make a face that looks at like
Like something resembling a frown
I suggest as well at no time
Do you say `You're wearing THAT?!'
(And if you wish to avoid death
remember, NOTHING makes her look `fat')
Please! The two of you are snickering now like a pair of little elves
Really, Fin, the way you chortle-
And Erestor, did you just snortle?
I can't believe, Galadriel, how these two conduct themselves!
To think these two once led my realm
When I could not take the helm
So little it takes to overwhelm-
Ah, but back now to my tales.
My friends, and dear Galadriel, I tell you all it takes great patience
To be one who is wed to an elleth so high maintenance!
Why, often she would insist
When I came home drunk at half past four
That I sleep upon the couch
(Once, she even locked our door)
I was forced to do many a thing
No ellon ever should ever be forced
Once she made me model her dress
I threatened with divorce!
But all it takes is a little pout
A tiny droop of her little mouth
I sigh, I stomp, I roll my eyes
She knows it's simply my disguise
For her I'd do most anything
I'd stand upon the roof and sing
I'd jump in the lake nude, and I confess,
Indeed I did try on the dress.
Yes, laugh, please do, for in a while
It will be me with the silly smile
Glorfindel, you shake your head
You say `tis something you will dread
But I do not think it true
One day, she'll saunter up to you
A pretty young thing, I declare,
Will tame one day our balrog slayer
Erestor, you disbelieve
You say you simply can't conceive
Anyone who would take you for a mate
You say that now, my friend, but wait
For time will come when you are bound
To find the elleth you've yet not found
Don't give me that look of spite
Do you not recall, I have foresight?
I suspect within the year, sooner than you think my friends
Your single days and bachelorhoods will come soon to an end
Let us hope for your sakes
That come the middle of the night
She is not one to poke you awake
Because of a sound that caused her fright
Or that the elleth of your dreams-
Hold now- is that sand?
Why yes, I'm quite sure that it is-
Ai, Elbereth! We've hit land!
Can you see her on the beach?
Is my queen of silver there?
So long I've longed for her touch
Missed the fragrance of her hair
The poking and the dresses
And the middle-of-the-night waking
The glares and groans when I offended
And the third-trimester baking
The two of you can whisper
And say `he's mad' behind my back
For I'm absolutely grateful to have
The one thing that you both lack
For every glare that I received
Was repaid with matrimonial bliss
And every growl of dissatisfaction
Made up simply with a kiss
Which is nothing to be said
Of the miracle of life
(Something obviously impossible
Unless I had found a wife)
Not a single moment would I give up
For all the gold within this world
Besides my wife, my only treasure-
My two boys and my little girl
Now I must leave the two of you
To ponder my advice
From a husband and a father
Please, consider all I've said at least twice
Galadriel, I understand
She was your daughter first
But as her husband, I demand,
For I need to hold her worse
The memories I hold the dearest are the ones I say I don't
Sweet Celebrian, from this day forth, I'll never leave you, no, I won't.
Story Notes:
First person POV, Elrond